


Soccer Emblem

by JamesPeppersalt



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe- Suburban, Bake Sales, Football | Soccer, Fundraisers, Gen, I Work Too Hard on this Stupid Crackfic, Leo is Gay and You Can't Stop Me, soccer mom au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-03-09 02:59:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13472313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesPeppersalt/pseuds/JamesPeppersalt
Summary: Basically Leo is the older brother version of a soccer mom who takes Elise to practices between school and stuff and participates in fundraisers and helps her train and shit. Eventually gets a plot. Might be casually heartwarming. Mostly humor with some fluff.





	1. You Just Ate Great Value Bitches

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LuciustheDragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuciustheDragon/gifts).



> My friends on Discord urged me to do this when I presented them with the idea  
> For reference:  
> Leo is 16, Elise is 12. Xander and Camilla are in their 20s. Corrin has fucked off somewhere lol  
> Since Leo is an angsty teenager instead of a functioning adult idc if it's ooc so thanks  
> My friends on Discord also picked out his full name. Krankenburg comes from their castles in-game  
> Have fun kids

Leo was incredibly angry with his older siblings.

He understood that _they_ had work, but didn’t they understand that he had better things to do than drive his sister to and from soccer practices and listen to her terrible preteen pop music?

“You’re just mad because you’d rather go to Hot Topic and listen to MCR,” Elise had said when he’d argued this point to Xander and Camilla.

She was right, but he’d never admit that.

He’d been so excited when he’d turned sixteen and they’d bought him a car in reply. He was less thrilled when he discovered this was what he’d be using it for mostly.

“Oh my gods, Leo, so listen,” Elise began as he pulled out of their driveway, “You’ll never believe what Ashley E said at practice yesterday. So like—”

As much as he hated whatever this new teenybopper song was, he turned it up so that he would never in his life have to find out what Ashley E said at practice. It was the longest twenty-minute drive of his life.

“Thanks, Leo,” Elise said as she jumped out of his car when he parked it. “Have fun.”

“I have no control over that.”

“Die then,” she said as she closed the door and ran off.

He rolled his eyes, unbuckling his seatbelt. He’d been informed by Camilla that he had to stay and watch her practice or else there would be “consequences”.

He pulled his bookbag out of his car as he exited, walking over to the portable bleachers next to the practice field. He figured if he were going to suffer he might as well do homework and suffer twice as much.

It was chilly outside, and he’d wished he’d brought a coat as he sat on the cold, hard metal bleachers. He crossed his arms as countless girls between the ages of whatever and don’t care ran across the field kicking a black-and-white ball. Elise waved whenever she saw him. He didn’t wave back. She might as well learn early that life was full of disappointments.

On the other side of the bleachers, all of the soccer moms sat chattering annoyingly about how great their respective daughters were playing and how great this season was going to be and how awesome the snacks Linda had hand-made for everyone were.

He really didn’t pay much attention to them until one of them mentioned his sister:

“Oof, that Elise girl _really_ isn’t playing very well today, is she?”

He glanced up.

“Oh, I _know_! But hey, maybe if she tanks my little Mikayla can take her place as goalie this year?”

“The fuck did you just say, _Karen_?” Leo asked, shutting his AP Chemistry book with a dramatic thud.

She blinked, confused. “My name is Susan…”

“I don’t give a god damn which one of you faux cashmere sweater-wearing bitches is Susan; what did you just say about _my_ sister?”

“Calm down, young man; we were just saying that Elise just isn’t… _performing_ as well as she has in the past.” Generic Blonde Mom Number 3 shrugged.

“Jessica is right. It’s not _our_ faults if one of our daughters steps up where your sister can’t.”

“Fuck you, my sister could wipe the floor with your daughter’s Claire’s-shopping ass Linda.”

“Watch your language!”

“Oh, sorry, was English not clear enough? Va- te faire foutre.”

As they all gasped, he was really proud of himself for taking that extra semester in French.

“Well, I never!” One of them huffed, sticking her nose that she had clearly gotten work done on in the air as she turned away from him. The rest of them followed suit. He rolled his eyes and turned to the field.

“WIPE THE FLOOR WITH THEM, ELISE!” He yelled.

“THIS IS PRACTICE, WE’RE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM YOU DUMBASS!”

_“WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD?!”_

_“NILES!”_

Leo made a mental note to kill his friend later.

“Young man, if you’re not going to behave, then I suggest you go sit in the parking lot,” one of the moms scoffed.

Leo crossed his arms. “Fine.” He picked up his bag. Before he walked away, he turned around and said, “Oh, yeah, by the way— those snack rolls Linda bought weren’t homemade. They’re from Wal-Mart. Have fun living with the knowledge that you just ate Great Value, bitches.”

 

“Leonard Garon Krankenburg!”

“Breaking out the full names, are we, Camilla?” Leo asked as he tossed his keys into the bowl in the entryway. Elise ran past him to retrieve her afternoon snack— a fruit punch Capri Sun and a fruit roll-up.

Their older sister crossed her arms, glaring at him. “Ashley P’s mom just called me to say that you were extraordinarily rude at practice.”

“In my defense, they _definitely_ started it,” he stated as he grabbed a Capri Sun from the fridge.

“I don’t care who started it! All I care about is the fact that you didn’t even make a _single_ remark about the fact that Brenda Carlisle’s husband is having an affair with a woman half her age. That was such an _easy_ blow. You’ve disgraced our family name, Leo.”

“I’m sorry,” he said despite not really being sorry as he sat next to Elise at the counter, each sipping on their respective juice pouches.

Camilla shook her head. “Also, I heard that Elise swore.”

“That’s Niles’s fault.”

Camilla narrowed her eyes. “You know what to do.”

Leo sighed. “I’ll tell him that you’ve grounded him for a month again.”

“Very good.” She patted Elise’s head. “Did we kick butt today?”

“Yeah!”

“Nice.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “I’m going to go call Selena. You two can stay here. Don’t start any drama without me.”

“No promises,” Leo said as she walked up the stairs.

Elise sighed. “I lied,” she lamented as she took a bite out of her fruit roll-up. “I _didn’t_ kick butt today. I’m a failure.”

“You’re not a failure, Elise.” Leo tightened his grip on his juice. “You’re going to work hard, and you’re going to be the best goalie you can be, and we’re going to raise a metaphorical middle finger to Ashley P’s mother and knock the fake blonde highlights out of her hair if it’s the _last thing we do._ ” He squeezed his Capri Sun dramatically, causing the juice to go everywhere.

“Dude,” Elise scoffed. “Tone it down.”

“Sorry. I’ve been spending too much time with Odin.”


	2. She's Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wild Odin and Niles appear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody makes any fucking sense at all  
> Leo skipped a few grades because I said he could so deal with it

“Alright, Elise, two more laps.”

“ _Whyyyyyyyy,”_ Elise whined, feet dragging. “I’ve already run so _many_.”

“‘So many’ laps didn’t make Naruto the hokage.”

“Who the heck is Naruto?!”

“I don’t know, Odin watches it sometimes. Keep running!”

“I hate you,” she groaned as she picked up the pace.

“You’ll love me for it when you kick Linda’s daughter’s ass.”

Leo was sitting on a park bench next to the walking trail, holding a stopwatch. He was making his sister run laps. Hopefully at this rate her legs would end up toned enough to kill Ashley D’s mom with a single lunge.

That or they’d turn into Jell-O and she’d cry the entire way to the emergency room.

Hm. Maybe this _wasn’t_ a good idea.

“Elise, take five!” He yelled at her. As soon as he said that, on the other side of the track, she fell directly on her face and stopped moving.

She was fine.

“Is that a Leo I spy?”

Leo froze in his seat. Oh no.

It was _them_.

“LEO!” Odin shouted in his voice that was always at 99 or 100 volume. “We did not expect to see you here!”

“Are you getting some sunshine for once?” Niles asked as he draped himself over the back of the bench.

“Hello, guys,” Leo muttered.

Since Leo had skipped a few grades, he’d never had time for friends in high school. Now he had friends in college.

They were the _worst._

“By the way, Niles, my sister says you’re grounded.”

He shook his head. “Ah, that Camilla. I wish she’d ground me in person. Or in private.”

“That’s my sister.”

“And?”

“Is that Elise?” Odin asked, putting a hand over his eyes in that way that people do when they want to block out the sun but have since developed the urge to instinctively do it whenever looking far away even when it’s a cloudy day like it was then.

“Yeah. I think she’s dead.”

“I’M NOT DEAD.”

“She’s not dead.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a _great_ brother?”

“No.”

Odin frowned. “Should we help her?”

“HEY ELISE, ARE YOU OKAY?”

“NO!”

“She answered, so she’s fine.”

Niles and Odin took their seats next to Leo on the bench, which he never agreed to, but here they were.

“What are you even _doing_ here?” Niles inquired, raising his one good eyebrow, which was an overstatement, because his eyebrow game was weak as fuck.

“We’re training,” Leo said.

They stared at him.

“Elise is training.”

The nodded understandingly.

“See, since Xander and Camilla work all the time, I have to take Elise to practices now because I of course have nothing better to do, and I agreed because I’m a kind and loving brother.”

Odin gazed at him sympathetically. “They threatened to take away all of your Hot Cash, didn’t they?”

 _“They can’t fucking do that, Hot Topic was having a sale and—”_ he cleared his throat. “I mean, it doesn’t matter. But when I was at a recent practice, I may have made some enemies.”

“Are the white upper-middle class suburban soccer moms after you?” Niles asked.

“Yeah.”

“What did you do?”

“I may have called them faux-cashmere sweater wearing bitches. It’s not important.”

“Oh, honey,” Niles sighed, “You’ve really done it now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dude,” Odin began, “soccer moms are _brutal_. Once, my mom made brownies for a bake sale but Noire’s mom was supposed to make brownies and she didn’t know and her brownies totally upstaged Noire’s mom’s because like, let’s face it, Noire’s mom was awful at everything including parenting, but the other moms shunned her for a _week._ She was never the same after that…”

“Odin, may I be blunt?”

“Oh, sure.”

“That didn’t make any god damn fucking sense.”

“I think what our friend here is trying to say,” Niles began to illustrate, “is that the soccer moms are not to be trifled with.”

“They’ll rip you to shreds!” Odin wailed. “And I’ll have naught to do but bemoan the tragedy of your lamentable death!”

“Odin, I know you’re really into that Shakespearean lit class you took abroad last summer, but please,” Leo said.

“I humbly apologize.”

Niles shook his head. “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. Leo, they will _destroy_ your social life. I’m pretty sure one of them is married to the campus president. Three of them married city politicians, so say goodbye to a career in politics. I’m pretty sure that bitch Susan works at Elise’s school. They have a network. Contacts. They will _destroy_ you before you even come of age.”

Leo thought about this for a moment.

“Oh, gods, I told them to go fuck themselves in French,” he confessed.

“What have you _done?!”_ Odin moaned.

“Well, you’re dead. It was nice knowing you,” Niles sighed.

“Wait!” Leo said suddenly. “There’s got to be a way out of this.”

His friends tapped their chins.

“Well,” Niles supplied, “we could try beating them at their own game.”

“What do you mean?”

“You have to be valiant enough to surpass them!” Odin said with dramatic flair. “Brave the odds! Go above and beyond, and they’ll see your superiority and back down.”

“In short— out soccer-mom the Soccer Moms.”

Leo pursed his lips. “That’s so stupid, it just might work.”

“LE- _O!”_ Elise whined as she tromped up to him. “I’m tired of running!”

“Oh, we’re done with that. We have a new plan now.”

“Thank the gods,” Elise sighed, relieved.

“Hey, Elise,” Niles and Odin greeted her warmly.

“Hi, Odin. Hi, Mr. Trash Man.”

“That’s fair,” Niles said.

“It’s what Xander calls you behind your back.”

“I’d enjoy having him behind my back to be honest.”

“That’s our _brother!”_ Elise and Leo yelled in unison.

“Don’t kinkshame me uwu.”

“Did you just say that emote out loud?”


	3. Hope the Divorce Isn't Too Messy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo kicks ass with the power of gluten-free sammies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhhhh my god, this is the fastest a fic I've written has ever gotten popular >v< thank y'all so much for your kind comments and kudos!! I love you so much <3

“Alright, Elise,” Leo said as he drove up to the practice fields, “who are we?”

“The Krankenburgs!”

“And what are we here to do!”

“Chew gum and kick butt!”

“And what are you all out of?”

“Gum because you took it from me because you’re a sick hecking a-word.”

“Why did you say ‘a-word’ instead of ‘asshole’?”

“Because it’s a fucking bad word,” she said as she stepped out of the car.

“Elise!”

“Sorry. Niles brings out the meanie in me sometimes.”

Leo shook his head. Now was his time to shine. He had planned this carefully. Today was his day.

Today, he had to bring…

_The snacks._

He had a whole basked set and ready in the back seat. He smoothed down his hair in the drop-down mirror, adjust his headband.

“Alright, Leo,” he began, “you’re going to go out there, and you’re going to show off your amazing selection of snacks, and you’re going to tell Linda Beauregard to eat the shit that comes from her Wal-Mart-faring ass without actually saying a word.”

Mirror him said nothing, but if he had Leo would have punched him and run screaming because that would be some Silent Hill-type shit right there.

As he approached the bleachers, the Moms stopped their conversation about something like what flatbread sandwich they were going to get from Subway next to look at him.

“Oh, my,” the one he’d identified as the bitch Sandra cooed. “I see you’ve brought snacks.”

“Anyone with two eyes and a list that has my name marked down for today could see that, Sandra. In fact, my friend with only one eye saw that. So I guess it’s just you.”

She scoffed, turning away. “I bet he brought cheap junk food like Zebra Cakes or…” she shuddered. _“Oreos.”_

“First of all, if you don’t like Oreos then frankly you don’t belong on the gods’ green earth, so get the fuck out. Unless you like Golden Oreos, in which case you can get out too.” Leo rolled his eyes. “Besides, I may have never played sportsball once in my life, but I DID take college Anatomy and Physiology when I was fourteen and I _do_ know that junk food is just temporary energy that can make you lethargic and is very bad for physical activities. No, I brought something _much_ better.”

He uncovered his basket.

“…Sandwiches?”

“Not just sandwiches! Each of these was handcrafted with the finest ingredients I could find at the local Harvest market, packed with nutrients. And there are vegetarian and gluten-free options for the kids who can’t eat the regular ones or the stereotypical white soccer moms.”

“…”

“Damn he’s good…”

He smiled triumphantly as the girls came up to the table for their break, pulling out a box of Capri Suns before grabbing one and going to his usual seat.

“Hm, hm.”

Leo ignored whichever mother it was who was humming at him right now, sucking on his straw.

 _“Hm,_ hm.”

“Real chilly today, isn’t it?” he muttered to no one in particular.”

_“HM. HM.”_

“Oh my _god,_ Brenda, what do you _want_?” He groaned, sitting up to look at her.

“I just wanted to say that this is very impressive for someone of your age. After all, it must be so hard to juggle classes, taking care of your sister, and… attend emo rock concerts?”

“I’m more into alternative rock nowadays to be honest.”

“Whatever. It’s just… where are you parents? It must be so hard when they’re working, or staying at home, or whatever it is they’re doing.”

“Rotting in a cemetery,” Leo informed her bluntly.

“I. Oh.”

“Yep. Plus, my father was an incredibly controlling and abusive man who treated my siblings and I like pawns and never allowed us to be who we truly were, only caring to shape us in his image and casting us aside like refuse when he grew tired of us and allowing our mothers to pit us against each other.” He took another sip. “Father’s Day was awkward.” A second sip. “So was Mother’s Day, to be honest.”

“Oh,” she cooed, clearly grasping at straws for ways to pick at his sense of self-confidence. “You have different mothers?”

“Yeah. My dad had a thing for not being faithful to his wife. Kind of like your husband actually. How is his mistress by the way?  I think she’s a senior at my college. I’ll be sure to say hi.”

Her jaw figuratively hit the floor.

“Well, I need to support my baby sister. Bye, Brenda. Hope the divorce isn’t too messy.”

Except he did.

He did hope the divorce was too messy.

He smirked as she left him in peace with his juice box. Camilla would be proud.

 

“Oh my gods, Leo, all the girls really liked your sandwiches!” Elise gushed. “They actually tasted like food and not the inside of a store that also sells lawnmowers!”

“You’re gosh darn right,” Leo said as he drove, putting out his fist. Elise bumped it. “We’re so going to own those soccer moms.”

“Yeah!” Elise cheered, throwing her hands in the air. “So, next on the itinerary: bake sale!”

“We’re going to knock the socks off of them.”

“Car wash!”

“Covered.”

“I don’t know what this means!”

“Skip it.”

“And…” Elise frowned.

“What’s wrong, Elise?” Leo asked, glancing at her.

“Uh… nothing.” She glanced away. “So, like, that’s all of the charity events planned so far.”

“Alright.” Leo drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “So, hey. You did good at practice today.”

“Thanks!”

“You wanna tell me about it?”

“Well, you see, near the beginning of practice, I was dribbling the ball when I switched positions with Ashley M for a bit—”

“English, Elise.”

“Oh. I was running through some drills—”

“I said _English_ , Elise, gods.”

“…I was doing the kicky-kicky with the ball and I shooted it in the big net box.”

“Okay, Elise, I’m a nerd, I’m not illiterate.”

Elise’s phone buzzed. “Oh, I think that’s Mikayla.”

“Okay.” Leo hummed to himself as he drove. He was proud of himself. He’d really shown those bitches today. He was on cloud nine. He—

“Um, Leo?”

“Yeah, Elise?”

“You didn’t say anything to Mrs. Carlisle today, did you?”

Leo frowned. “Why?”

“Mikayla told me that Ashley P told her that Hayleigh told her that Ashley S told—”

“I get it, what is it?”

“Well, Nicole is Mrs. Carlisle’s daughter, and Mrs. Carlisle told her that she couldn’t hang out with me anymore!”

“WHAT?!” Leo shouted, slamming on the breaks. “That SKANK!”

Elise’s lip quivered. “Mrs. Carlisle says that you’re disturbed and that we come from a broken home. That’s not true! Our house is in perfect condition!”

“That’s… not what she meant, Elise.”

Elise looked at him with misty eyes. “What I’m I going to do? Nicole is the fourth most popular girl on the soccer team! What if she relays this information to Ashley E?! I’ll be ruined! I’ll have to transfer to _Cyrkensia_ for eighth grade!”

“Elise, please. Cyrkensia is for the musically gifted.”

“I play the violin!!”

“Oh yeah.”

His little sister wiped her eyes. Leo felt a twinge of guilt.

“Listen, Elise, don’t worry about this. And— and don’t tell Camilla I said this in front of you— I’m pretty sure Nicole’s dad is a lying, cheating manwhore. Her home’s pretty damn broken if I do say so myself.” He removed his foot from the brake. “Tell Ashley Z _that_.”

“It’s Ashley P. There is no Ashley Z.” She stared off into space. “Not anymore…”

“Oh my god, did she die?!”

“No, she just transferred to our rival school. She’s dead to us though.”

“Oh, thank god. Anyways, don’t worry, Elise. I have a plan.”


	4. I Wanted to Go to Spencer's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elise and Leo bond when they go shopping

“Elise, since you’ve been doing so well at practice lately, I’ve decided to reward you for your efforts.”

Elise gasped “You’re finally going to stop telling the people at iHop that I’m eight instead of twelve to get free food?”

“No.”

“Aww.”

“We’re going somewhere even greater than iHop.”

“Waffle House?!”

“No. Waffle House terrifies me. _We_ are going to… the mall!”

“Yay!” Elise shouted, throwing her hands in the air. “Oh… wait.” She lowered her arms. “You’re not just going to drag me around to your nerd stores, are you?”

“Not the entire time.”

“Are we going to Hot Topic?”

Leo laughed as he pulled into the mall’s parking lot, putting the car into park. “Oh, Elise. Of course we are.”

The two entered the mall, and immediately Elise dragged him to the fountain.

“C’mon! Before we shop, we have to make a wish!”

“This is incredibly arbitrary.”

“Shut up and throw your money into a pool of water in a large public area.”

Elise reached into the pocket of her dress and pulled out a nickel. She closed her eyes with a suddenly serious look on her face, kissed it, and threw it in.

Leo observed quietly for a moment.

“You do realize that money retains the largest about of pathogens and germs of any household item, right? That nickel could’ve been in a stripper’s g-string.”

Elise stuck her tongue out. “Thank you for that fact, Mr. Killjoy.”

As the two walked away (and Elise wiped her mouth down with a napkin she had in her pocketbook), Leo asked, “Hey, what did you wish for?”

“I can’t tell you that! Otherwise it won’t come true.”

“Elise, that’s a load of bull and you know it.”

She giggled. “Maybe. But it still helps, y’know?”

“Hm.”

Before he could say anything else, Elise screamed.

“Oh my god, are you okay?! Did someone wear socks with sandals?”

“No!” She pointed. _“Look!”_

Leo stared. Before him stood the antithesis to all he stood for; the inverse of his very soul staring at him in all its gaping, lilac-colored, pastel preteen aesthetic glory.

“It’s _Claire’s!”_

“No,” he declared, grabbing Elise’s hand. “We’re leaving.”

“ _PLEASE,”_ Elise begged, planting her feet firmly on the ground. His weak nerd arms could not move her full weight of ninety pounds.

“Gods, Elise, did you eat bricks this morning?”

“C’mon, Leo, just because you’d rather go to Hot Topic doesn’t mean that we can’t go somewhere _Not_ Topic!”

“Joke’s on you, _I_ wanted to go to _Spencer’s_.”

“Come _on_! Don’t make me call Camilla!”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I would. You’re already on thin ice now that Niles has taught me swears.”

Leo narrowed his eyes.

She narrowed hers back.

He put his hands on his hips. She answered in kind.

“I’ll give you five bucks if you walk away right now,” he offered.

“I’ll wash the dishes for a week if we go in.”

Shit.

She was good.

“Alright fine.”

“YAY!” Elise grabbed his hand. “Come on, let’s go!”

Leo grumbled as he was dragged into the store. As soon as he crossed into the threshold, he felt _wrong._ This wasn’t where he belonged. This was otherworldly. Grotesque. This was— holy shit, were those rainbow suspenders??

“Hm,” Elise said, still not releasing her grip on his hand as she perused the disgustingly adorable pastel earrings. “Do you think Xander will let me pierce my ears if I beg?”

“Maybe. Do you think he’ll let me take you to Spencer’s?”

“Depends. Why wouldn’t he?”

“They sell dildos.”

“Ew. Buy those on your own time.”

“Wow, thanks, Elise.” He glanced around. The cashiers were wearing cat ears. They must be weebs. Leo shuddered. Those were the worst kind of people. He knew. He was best friends with one.

“Ooh, Leo, let’s look at all the hair accessories next! They’ve got some cute headbands you might like.”

“I don’t wear cute headbands.”

“Then what the heck do you have in your hair right now, idiot?”

“It’s just _a_ headband.”

“Oh, yeah, right. You wouldn’t know cute if it smacked you in the face.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know I’m an expert on cute things. I, for example, am very cute.”

“This is exactly what I mean.”

“Oh. My. Gosh. Is that the Krankenburgs?”

Leo and Elise froze, tightening their grips on each other hands, as they heard the high-pitched feigned gasp of surprise that could only come from a bitchy mother above the age of thirty.

“Don’t make any sudden moves, Elise. They can smell fear,” he whispered, careful not to alert the soccer mom behind them.

“What a surprise to see you in a place like this!”

Leo groaned and turned around. “Hello, _Karen.”_

“My name is Heather.”

“Whatever.”

“Hi, Ashley,” Elise greeted the little girl who held Heather-not-Karen’s hand.

“Hey, Elise. Nice job at practice yesterday.”

“Aw, thanks, you too!”

Leo glared at the older woman before him. “What brings _you_ here?”

“I’m shopping for my little sister.”

“Not for yourself?”

“No offense but does Claire’s _look_ like a place I’d shop frequently?”

“Oh, true. I would take you for more of a Build-a-Bear person based on your maturity level.”

“You _really_ don’t know how insults work, do you?”

“Well, excuse me if I hold myself to a higher caliber than _you.”_

“Oh, shut your mousy brown bob, Heather. Elise, we’re leaving.”

“No! I want to get the unicorn bows!!”

“I’ll order them on Amazon.” He waved at Heather. “Bye, now. Hope you finally make the right decision for all parties involved and get a haircut.”

_“Ugh!”_

“Bye, Ashley! See you tomorrow!”

“Hmph." Leo shook his head. “I hate her.”

“Ashley D’s mom isn’t so bad. She makes great brownies!”

“Do they have spinach hidden in them?”

“Not anymore!” Elise tugged on his hand. “Let’s go to Sephora!”

“You’re too young for that stuff, Elise.”

“I know, but I want to get something for Camilla! Maybe they’ll even have your guyliner.”

“Don’t say ‘guyliner’, it makes me sound like a metrosexual.”

“You look like a metrosexual,” she mumbled.

“Don’t ever insult me like that ever again.”

“C’mon, you can’t just keep going on the internet and ordering your Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way eyeliner from some YouTube makeup guru’s suggested list.” Elise pulled him into the store. “I promise that after this we can go to F.Y.E.!”

 _“Fine._ But only for a few minutes.”

“Hooray!”

 

After a long day of shopping, the two were heading back to the exit, chatting happily, holding hands and carrying all of their purchases in their free ones.

“Wow! I didn’t know your nerd stores sold such cute stuff!”

“See? I told you they weren’t all emo and stuff. Besides, I think you’d make a good pastel goth.”

Elise’s phone buzzed.

“Hey, aren’t you going to get that?”

His little shrugged. “Nah. I’d rather hang out with you.”

Leo was appalled. A twelve-year-old had just abdicated her smartphone for time with him.

He’d never been more honored in his life.

“So, we’ve got that big bake sale tomorrow, huh?” He said, looking away to hide how happy he was that his little sister was so awesome.

“Oh, yeah! I can’t wait to start cooking when we get home!”

“Yep. Odin and Niles, the beautiful hooligans, are going to help us bake as much as possible. It’s going to be lit.”

“Yeah!”

Elise’s phone buzzed once more, but she continued to ignore it.

“So, like, uh…” Elise pursed her lips. “I know we really don’t get to hang out much as a family anymore, since Dad’s gone and Corrin’s off somewhere and Xander and Camilla work all the time.”

“Yeah.” Leo frowned. “I don’t usually admit things like this, but… I kind of miss it.”

“Mm-hm.” Elise looked down. “But… it’s nice that I get to hang out with you so much now. I’m glad I have a great older brother like you.”

If Leo were a weak-ass bitch, he would have cried right then and there.

“Hey, Elise. You know how you said that making a wish won’t necessarily work, but it’ll help?”

“Yeah?”

Leo stopped in front of the fountain. “I think I’ve got some quarters. The bigger the coin, the greater the chance your wish will come true.”

A big, heartwarming grin spread across Elise’s face. “Oh my gosh! Well, go on! Make a wish!”

He released his sister’s hand to reach into his pocket, pulling out a large, silvery coin. He looked at the water below, thought for a minute, and dropped it in.

“…What did you wish for?”

Leo frowned. “That Brenda Carlisle would eat hair.”

“Le- _o!”_

They were interrupted by the sudden sound of a buzzing phone once more.

“Hey, Elise, you should probably answer that,” Leo suggested.

“Maybe I should.” Elise pulled her phone out of her pocket. Her eyes widened when she unlocked it.

“What’s wrong?”

She quivered with poorly suppressed rage. “Th-those… those meanies!”

Leo felt as though she were using “meanies” to substitute a stronger word.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, circling around to look at her phone over her shoulder.

“Apparently Ashley D’s mom told Becca’s mom that we don’t have a chance of doing well tomorrow if we’re ‘spending so much time shopping’ instead of ‘practicing and baking’. And NOW all the other girls are saying that if I’m not spending time practicing maybe then I shouldn’t be goalie. Jeez! Maybe Ashley D’s mom IS that bad!”

Leo balled his fists. “You know what? I’m going to say something else that you can’t tell Xander and Camilla about.”

“What?”

“We’re gonna take Mrs. D’s trash haircut and shove it up her ass if it’s the last thing we do.”

“Yeah! Oh but her name’s not Mrs. D. It’s Mrs. H. She kept her maiden name when she married Mr. D.”

“Oh, well, cool; more power to her.”


	5. I Was Behind Watergate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bake sale happens! Yay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ASDFGHJKL HOLY FUCK I was going to upload this yesterday but I fell asleep directly after coming home from school and didn't wake up until SEVENTEEN HOURS LATER  
> I switch between hypersomnia/insomnia so much you might call me the Benedict Arnold of sleep

“Alright, you whores,” Leo said to Odin and Niles as they unloaded boxes of baked goods from the car, “I had Xander’s friend Peri bake half of this stuff for us, and even though she’s a psychopath, her food tastes amazing, so these fools are going to eat this up. We have a stand over there by Cathy Richardson and whatever weak-ass pastries she has today. Any questions.”

Odin raised his hand.

“Yes, Odin?”

“Did you just call us ‘whores’?”

“That’s beside the point.” Leo turned. “Today, we become champions. Now, let’s go sell some god damned pastries.”

Elise, who had exited the car long before, was waiting for them at the booth. She waved. “Hey, guys! Ready to sell some food?!”

“Absolutely,” Leo said as they bumped fists. “Are you ready to make some money?”

“Leo, we don’t get to keep it.”

“Still.” He pulled a brownie out of one of the Tupperware boxes Niles was carrying. “A premature celebration brownie for the lady of the hour?”

“Ooooh!” Elise took it from his hands and bit down.

Leo smiled, taking his place behind the counter next to his sister. There were a lot of people from different schools all over the place, all selling baked goods for their own soccer programs.

“Ugh, there goes Ashley Z,” Elise scoffed. “Pretend you don’t see her.”

“Duly noted,” Leo said as he took cash from their first customer. As Odin handed her the cookies she ordered, Leo observed the competition. Most of the moms from their soccer team were nearby, selling a weak selection of snacks such as sugar-free “sugar” cookies and health foods. This was a bake sale, not fucking Weight Watchers.

Leo smiled as he noticed that their booth was starting to get more customers. He’d have to thank Peri later. Or maybe have Xander do it. He was still terrified of her.

“Ah…” Leo closed his eyes. “Isn’t it nice, Elise? Not a single one of those catty mothers have bothered us yet today.”

“That’s because they’re busy bothering someone else,” Elise said, pointing.

It was true; over a ways, there stood a group of them, standing in front of a booth headed by a family of Hoshidans, likely from Elise’s rival school. A little girl stood behind the counter, her face as red as her hair, as the women in front of her laughed haughtily, no doubt critiquing her authentic Hoshidan pastries. She looked away as she started to cry.

“Those bitches,” Niles sighed.

“Don’t they have anything better to do than harass children?” Leo wondered aloud.

“I think I know that girl,” Elise said. “She’s on the rival team. Oh, yeah! Her name’s Sakura. She’s so sweet! Why would they say anything mean about someone as nice as her?”

“Because they’re evil, awful women who spend far too much time at Starbucks and not enough contributing to society,” Leo answered.

“I wonder where her family is?” Odin inquired.

They didn’t have to wonder for long.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY SISTER’S MOCHI YOU FUCKING SPRAY-TANNED BITCH?!”

All four of them watched as a boy about Leo’s age with a long ponytail and a bad attitude approached the group of moms, cussing and yelling at the top of his lungs.

“How DARE you insult MY sister’s amazing snack foods when YOUR baked goods are as dry and tasteless as your husband’s dicks!”

Leo covered his mouth as he watched him take the Tupperware off Jessica Smith’s booth and throw it on the ground while she watched in horror.

“Isn’t that the kid who punched a referee last year?” Elise asked.

“THIS,” the boy yelled, bringing his foot down on a box, “is for making MY SISTER feel bad!” He kicked it repeatedly, screaming.

“I can believe it,” Leo said.

“And FRANKLY, you can shove your gluten-free lemon squares up your ASS!”

Several people in the vicinity were crying as a large man with long, spiky brown hair came up and picked up the spiteful younger boy, apologizing profusely as he dragged him away.

“FUCK ALL OF YOU!” he shouted, holding up both middle fingers.

Sakura covered her face. “I hope we don’t get kicked out of _another_ bake sale,” she sighed.

Elise frowned. “You know, I always kind of thought you were really overreacting to how my friends’ moms were treating you, but I had never really seen ‘overreacting’ until now.”

“Holy shit,” Niles laughed, “that was _hilarious._ I want to know who that angry child is so I can give him a hug.”

“Same,” Leo expressed. “Honestly he terrifies me but that display of pure aggression was kind of hot.”

“Leo, please go outside more,” Elise said.

“Hm.” Leo hopped over the counter. “I’m gonna go do damage control. You guys stay put, okay?”

“Can do!”

He made his way over to Sakura’s booth, where she stood, embarrassed, while the people around her raced to clean her brother’s mess.

“Hello,” he greeted her.

She glanced away shyly. “H-Hi.”

Leo looked around at the snacks she had set out. There were a lot of Hoshidan snacks he was unfamiliar with. “These look nice. Did you make them yourself?”

She nodded.

“That’s really cool. Do you like sweets?”

She nodded again, rubbing her arms nervously.

“Which ones are your favorites?”

She pointed at a cluster of round, squishy-looking sweets in individual boxes on the table.

“What are those?”

“M-Mochi,” she answered timidly, her voice barely above a whisper. “W-We eat them a lot back h-home. The… the peach ones are my f-favorite.”

“Well in that case, can I have some peach mochi? I’m sure my little sister would love some.”

Her face lit up. “R-Really?”

“Sure.” He took out his wallet. “And, hey; I’m sorry about those ladies earlier.”

She blushed. “I-It’s fine. I’m m-more embarrassed about my b-brother.”

“Is he always like that.”

“Um… n-no.” The look on her face said that yes, in fact, he was.

“Well, he seems sweet.”

“He is when he w-wants to be.” Sakura put a few mochi into a paper bag, shoving them in his face and looking away. “H-Here you g-go.”

“Thanks,” Leo said, clutching the paper bag in one hand. “My name’s Leo, by the way.”

“I-I’m Sakura. It’s n-nice to meet you, Mr. Leo.”

“It’s nice to meet you too. Hope to see you around,” he said waving as he walked back to their booth.

“Here, I got these for you,” he said, dropping the bag in front of Elise.

“Ooh! Nice! I don’t know what these are.”

“All the more reason to eat them.”

“Niles, I want my sister to know that they’re perfectly safe to eat, but I also just want you to know that’s the _worst_ advice I’ve ever heard anyone give.”

 

“YAY!”

“WE DID IT!”

Elise and Leo high fived as Odin and Niles began to take their booth down.

“We sold so much!” Elise gushed. “And we still have some left over!”

“Yeah! Take that, Karen Michaelson!”

“Hayleigh’s mom’s name is _Sharon_ Michaelson.”

“Then which one of them is Karen?!”

Elise shrugged, taking a bite out of a leftover brownie. It was nearly the end of the day, and the bake sale was nearing its conclusion. The two siblings had been the heads of the most popular booth that day, and since they’d come prepared, they still had more snacks.

“Joyous news!” Odin announced, holding up a clipboard. “According to these sales figures that I had to repeatedly ask Niles not to draw phalluses on, we sold a little over five hundred dollars in sweets!”

“Yes!” Elise and Leo shouted, high-fiving.

 _“And_ that puts us _above_ the minimum quota by, like, a lot,” Niles said.

Leo picked his little sister up and spun her around. “We did something right for once in our lives!”

“Speak for yourself, I’m perfect.”

“Hey, guys, this is sugary-sweet and all, but can you tone it down?” Niles asked. “The bitch squad is approaching.”

Surely enough, a group of middle-aged white women were walking towards them with a look on their faces that could only mean they’d skipped their Starbucks in favor of staying here all day.

Leo set Elise down. “Hello, Jessica. Heather. Some other woman who undoubtedly has a very stereotypical white suburban mom name.”

“Kathy. With a K.”

“I wasn’t wrong.”

Jessica, the one who’d gotten her gluten-free lemon squares stomped on, crossed her arms. “I see you’ve sold well today.”

“Yep. I see you’ve still not gotten the message that I hate talking to you and have better things to do.”

She held up a hand. “Save it for later. We saw you talking to that girl.”

“Elise? Yeah, she’s my sister, so I don’t see how that’s weird.”

“No, the redhaired one.”

“Selena? That’s my other sister’s friend, she was here to buy stuff and—”

“No! The— _Hoshidan_ one.”

“Wow Jessica, don’t you think that’s kind of shallow of you, limiting someone’s description to their race and-or nationality?”

Elise crossed her arms. “Yeah, Mrs. S! Don’t be a racism!”

“ _Racist,_ Elise.”

“They’re both words.”

“You know what I meant!” Jessica scoffed. “We really don’t appreciate you fraternizing with the enemy.”

“Asian people? That’s pretty narrow-minded. Jesus, Jessica, we’re supposed to be people living in the Twenty-first Century, not a Hollywood casting director that’ll end up whitewashing the whole movie.”

“No! People at our rival school!”

“What, is me buying some snacks going to somehow give her an advantage in the big game?” Leo waved his hands dramatically. “Oh, no! I’ve brought about the entire team’s downfall by falling for the sugary wiles of a fucking twelve-year-old girl!”

“I’m just saying, it might look badly upon you, fraternizing with our rivals.”

“What is this, fucking high school? I skipped most of that, not too keen to revisit those dark times.”

Elise patted her brother’s arm sympathetically. “You got shoved into a _lot_ of lockers.”

“They tried to start so many rumors about me being gay. Joke’s on them, though; you can’t start a rumor if it’s true. But I sure showed them! Did you see how uncomfortable they always got when I started crying?”

“We are getting _way_ off topic,” Kathy with a K stated. “We’re just wondering what your _intent_ is.”

“To buy snacks?” Leo offered.

“But how can we be sure?” Heather stated. “After all, you haven’t been very _cooperative_ lately. Always trying to one-up us, being generally disrespectful and rude, and now you might be working with the enemy?”

“Oh, yeah, just because I bought snacks from a little girl means that we’re caught up in a crazy scheme to destroy a middle school soccer team. You fucking got me. And while we’re at it I might as well admit that I’m boning her brother on the side and I was behind Watergate. Get over yourself, I’m a sixteen-year-old boy not a god damn Batman villain.”

“You’re impossible,” Jessica scoffed. “I don’t know why I’m even talking to you. You’re clearly beneath me.”

“Because I’m gay? God, Jessica, why are you so—”

“IT’S NOT BECAUSE YOU’RE GAY!”

“Good, because I was going to have you give you some bad news about your son otherwise.”

Before Jessica could respond to that, Heather pointed at Leo. “Just know that this isn’t over.”

“It’s not? Gods, can we end this _soon_? I want to go to the movies.”

“You’d better watch yourself… uh…”

They stood there awkwardly for a moment.”

“I’d better watch myself…. what?” Leo asked.

“I just realized that I don’t know your name.”

“It’s Leo.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“I just— I wouldn’t have pegged you for a Leo.”

“What does _that_ mean?”

“I don’t know, you seem more like someone who’d have a _stronger_ name. Like, I don’t know, Leon?”

“That’s _literally_ only _one_ letter off from my _actual_ name.”

“Whatever. Just be more careful. You don’t want to cross us. Come on, ladies, Starbucks closes in an hour.”

As they walked away, Leo frowned.  “Well, I feel vaguely threatened.”

Elise put her hands on her hips. “Do you think they mean anything by it?”

“Nah, they’ll probably go sip their decaf soy lattes and forget all about this.” He paused. “Do you think I look like a Leon?”

“Nah, that’s a stupid name. Almost as dumb as Leonard.”

“Shut up.”

“Wait,” Odin shouted, holding out his hands. They all turned towards him. “Leo… your real name is _Leonard?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you Leo was gay and you couldn't stop me


	6. There is No Karen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elise and Leo go to Starbucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sister okay'ed this chapter and picked the title :^P  
> Also since we're all clearly way too invested in this fucking garbage fire I'm debating whether or not to throw in some feels, yeah or neigh? Vote in the comments

“Alright, Elise, I got our drinks.”

“Yay! How’d they mess up our names this time?”

Leo turned the labels of their drinks towards her. “We are now ‘Elsie’ and ‘Cleo’.”

“Niiiiiiiice.” Elsie took her venti vanilla bean frappuccino from her brother Cleo and began to sip so fast Leo thought she might skip the brain freeze and jump straight to an aneurism. “What’d you get?”

“Iced coffee,” he said, taking a sip.

She stared at him.

“What?”

“Um… really? You usually get black.”

“Like my soul, yes, I know; gods, Elise, can’t shake it up a bit?”

“What’s _in_ your iced coffee?”

“Ice.”

“Haha, I mean—”

“I know, I know: it’s a venti iced soy latte with two shots of expresso, heavy on the cream, and—” his eyes widened. “Oh, gods. I’m turning into… one of _them_.”

“Or a hipster.”

He clutched his chest as he doubled over, nearly dropping his cup. “Elise don’t EVER say that again or I SWEAR I will disown you.”

“Who knows, maybe next you’ll grow a beard and start listening to Modest Mouse and other bands no one has ever heard of!”

_“Elise—”_

“Hey, any chance you’re a lumbersexual?”

“Elise I swear to fucking god.”

“Hey, look, you’re already starting fashion trends! Your shirt is inside out.”

“Gosh darn it!” Leo said, clutching at the back of his shirt.

“It has been for the last few days. I would’ve told you but watching you embarrass yourself in public is even funnier!”

“I have never been sadder to share half a gene pool with you. I hope you know this.”

“Dad said the same thing about all of us everyday, so I’m used to it.”

“Corrin got lucky. I _wish_ I was adopted.”

As Elise sipped her frappe and looked over his shoulder, her eyes widened.

“What? Is the barista cute or something?”

“Nah he’s like a 5 out of 10. Mrs. H and Mrs. C are here.”

“God fucking _damn it,”_ Leo groan, squeezing his cup. “Is this a fucking chick flick or something?! Gods, why can’t I fucking escape these bitches?! Do the gods HATE me or something?”

“Hell- _o_ , little Krankenburgs.”

“I am SIXTEEN and FIVE-NINE, KAREN, I don’t necessarily count as _little!_ ” he spat as he turned on his heel.

“My name is _Brenda!”_

“WHO THE FUCK IS KAREN THEN?!”

“There IS no Karen!!”

“If this is your maturity level, then _I’d_ say you’re pretty little,” the other woman said.

“That’s not what your mom said last night.” Leo turned his head to the side and whispered, _“Got em.”_

“I thought you were gay?”

“Elise, should I explain to them the concept of ‘yo mama’ jokes?”

“No, jokes aren’t funny if you have to explain them.”

“Darn, you’re right.”

“I’m sorry, are you _twelve_?”

“Yeah on a scale of one to ten.”

“Can we have a rational conversation for once?”

“No, now make like your husband’s mistress and go suck a dick.”

“Wait just a minute, young man.”

“I didn’t… I wasn’t going anywhere. You know that, right. I was just. Standing here. In Starbucks. I was honestly kind of hoping you’d go away first but now that you’ve said that I’m less sure. Are you? ARE you going to go away first? How much will it take? Do I have to make jabs about your age too? _Jesus_ , what do you want from me? Don’t you have a manager you want to talk to?”

“The barista said she’s not in today but that’s beside the point.”

Brenda cleared her throat. “Actually, we’re here to talk about your family’s… _inappropriate_ behavior.”

“What? My ‘alternate lifestyle’? Go on, Brenda, you can say it. You don’t like me ‘cause I’m—”

“If you say it’s because you’re gay I _swear to gods—”_

“Actually I was going to say because I’m emo. Christ, Brenda, being gay isn’t my entire life.”

“Heather I swear to god, it’s like he doesn’t even—”

Heather held up a hand. “Compose yourself, Brenda, this is what he wants.”

“Actually what I want is for you to leave me the _fuck_ alone, but here we are.”

Mrs. H leaned down to Elise’s height. “Elise, sweetie?”

“Yeah? You know I can hear you even if you’re standing up, right? I’m short, not deaf.”

Grimacing, Mrs. H said, “I see you take far too much after your brother. Could you go outside for a minute, please?”

“Aren’t there strangers outside?”

“There’s ten bucks in it for you if you stand in the corner where you can’t hear us.”

“Deal!” Elise said, snatching the ten-dollar-bill up as soon as it was out of Heather’s purse. “Bye, Leo, have fun.”

“Traitor,” he muttered as she galloped off. He turned to the ladies before him. “Well, you just turned my sister against me, which was WAY easier than it should have been. So like, what do you want? Can I leave, or did you have a point?”

“Well, it’s just that your family doesn’t seem to be the best _influence_ on our little girls.”

“What? I can’t— I never— well that’s just preposterous. I mean, the NERVE! To say MY family is anything short of the UTMOST, neigh, the PINNACLE of poise and rationality—!”

“You spew curses every time we see you!”

“I mean, have you SEEN you?”

“You constantly belittle and undermine us—”

“Feels nice having a taste of your own medicine huh?”

“—At the car wash two days ago, you brought your older sister in a skimpy bathing suit!”

He chuckled. “Yeah, I consider that a genius move on my part. I mean, who’d want a scrawny sixteen-year-old twink scrubbing their windshield when they could get a closer look at Camilla’s Camillas? We raked in so much cash. Plus, last time I checked your husbands came. Twice. And not just getting their cars washed.”

“This is _exactly_ what we’re talking about!”

“Are you calling my sister a slut? Because I can assure you that _that_ is the _last_ thing you want to do, because she will make sure that is the _last_ thing you do.”

“Even if we were—”

“I’m telling.”

“—That is _far_ from the issue here.”

“We don’t want our daughters hanging around someone from a family like yours.”

Leo raised an eyebrow. He’d worked hard on them that morning and he was happy for a chance to show them off. “Excuse me?”

“Listen. We all want our daughters to grow up into strong, poised, and dependable young women. But we don’t believe that having someone like… _you_ around will be very beneficial to them.”

“So like… what you’re saying is… that… because… I’m gay—”

“It is NOT. BECAUSE. YOU’RE. _GAY_!”

“Okay fine! So because I happen to cuss sometimes—”

“You cuss with nearly every sentence you utter!”

“‘Every sentence you utter’ ooh, someone took a prose class when they were still young. When was that like fifty years ago?”

“I’m thirty-nine! And would you please just _listen_?”

“We don’t want our daughters around _you_ ,” Brenda said, pointing at Leo.

“Why, because I’ve been kicking ass at being a soccer mom? Don’t try to play me, I can see right through your transparent dye jobs. You’re jealous because _I’m_ better than you at doing what you do best.”

Heather stuck her nose in the air. “That may be so. But the fact is that if you don’t step down and learn your place, we’ll have to take drastic measures. You’re familiar with my husband?”

“Mr. D?”

“Mr. _Danforth._ ”

“Hey that’s the name of my college’s president—” Leo’s eyes widened. “Oh.” Oh, _no._

“And Brenda’s husband, Mr. Carlisle?”

Shit. That was the owner of the last place Leo had applied for a job at.

He sighed. “And I suppose Susan’s husband is my god damn Statistics professor?”

“No, but Sharon’s wife is.”

“Oh shit, Professor Michaelson?!” She was the leader of the GSA. Without other LGBTQ people to cling to like huddling penguins in this cold, heteronormative world, where would he go? Fucking Tumblr? He’d die before that happened.

He narrowed his eyes. “Okay, cunts, what the fuck are you playing at here exactly?”

“ _You_ will no longer take part in charity events for the soccer team. And your name will be taken off of the snack list. _And_ you will stay _far_ away from the booster club—”

“The fuck is a booster club?”

“WE’RE the booster club! You’ve been undermining the booster club this entire time and you didn’t even know what we were _called?!”_

“In my defense I only ever really cared about the undermining. I mean, I don’t even know most of your names. I just found out there’s no Karen so that’s half of you I know longer know the names of.”

“Whatever. You don’t do the events, you don’t bring snacks. And you _don’t_ come near us at practice or during games, or we will _hunt you down_. You got it?”

Leo opened his mouth to argue, but before he did, he did something he as an angsty, emo, Hot Topic-shopping and eyeliner wearing teenage boy rarely did.

He _thought_ before he spoke.

_If I do this, what will they do to me? Ruin my GPA? Fuck that, my GPA is perfect and it always has been! They’ll never get away with it. If they reject my job application for no reason I can just claim homophobia or something. Prof. Michaelson wouldn’t kick me out of the GSA, that would take way too much paperwork. Ha! Bitches, they can’t do anything to me._

_But, wait, Leo,_ the one shred of common sense he thought he’d fucking killed off long ago like he should have, began, _what will they do to ELISE?_

 _Well, fuck,_ he responded, _I guess that’s a fucking problem. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, common sense! Time to die._

_Wait, no! I have a family!_

_No you fucking don’t. You’re a voice in my head._

_…Who I am now talking to, because I am going crazy._

He shook his head. He had no idea what they’d do to Elise. She already wasn’t allowed to hang out with Brenda’s gremlin. Would she be barred from seeing the rest of her friends, too? They’d destroy her social life before she even left middle school. She _would_ have to transfer to Cyrkensia. And it would all be _his_ fault.

“Okay, you know what? Fine. I’ll give you ass-waffles what you want,” he agreed reluctantly. “But here’s the deal: you leave my little sister alone. Capeesh?”

“We wouldn’t harm a hair on her pretty little head. And if we do it’ll be part of her poorly-done purple dye job.”

“Okay see _now_ you’re getting insults, and I would be proud, but you ever fucking say _anything_ — any one _god damn thing_ out of place— to my sister,” Leo warned, stepping closer and lowering his voice, “I will absolutely _end_ you. You think I was bad now? Just wait until you see me when you’ve triggered my big brother rage. You’d best watch your fucking backs, bitches, because you haven’t seen _anything_ yet.” Leo took a sip of his latte for dramatic effect as he stepped back. “Just you wait.” Another sip, another step. “You’d best watch yourself.” Another and another. “God this latte is so fucking good, no wonder other white people love them so much.”

 

“So what did they say to you?” Elise said as she came up and grabbed Leo’s hand when she saw the ladies walk out.

Leo smiled down at her. “Oh, nothing. They just came offering vague, empty threats. I think the barista forgot to make their lattes decaf. Either that or they forgot to take the giant fucking sticks out of their asses.”

“Pfft, come on, Leo.” Elise shook her head.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Let’s get out of here, you little troglodyte.”

“M’kay.” She paused. “Hey… Leo?”

“Yeah? Is this going to be quick, because they kinda wasted my time and if we don’t leave soon we’re going to miss the movie.”

“I know.” She pursed her lips. “It’s just… I wanted to thank you. You don’t have to waste all this time taking me to and from practice and doing charity events and stuff, but… you do anyways. And I… I’ve actually had _fun_ spending time with you. I know we’ve all been kind of down since dad died, but… you’ve been a bright spot in all this sad stuff.” She thought for a moment, then threw her arms around him in a hug. “Thank you so, so much.”

Leo stared as he little sister let go and ran off, saying, “Race you to the car.”

He frowned.

_Nice going, asshat._

_Fuck off, common sense, because you’re on thin fucking ice, you hear?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHA! Your votes were arbitrary, I did it anyways! Get over yourselves this is a JamesPeppersalt fic not a fucking episode of Lizzy McGuire


	7. Xander is a Cryptid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo vents to Odin and Niles over ice cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sorry this took so long!!! A bit after I posted Ch. 6 my Microsoft word shut down and as the bitter old lady I am technology is my bane so I decided to be mad instead of find a way to fix the problem. However, I remembered I have Dropbox AND a new laptop I got for college, so joy! New chapter awaits~!  
> (The dialogue gets a l'il spicy because Niles fyi ;^O)  
> Also I'm super sick rn so if I die before finishing this fic... tell Ryan I love him (he knows who he is)

_“What do you_ mean _you can’t take Elise to practice anymore?!”_

Leo moved the phone away from his ear. “Jesus Camilla, do you want me to contract tinnitus?”

 _“I can’t believe this. Leo, what do you want her to do,_ walk _there every day?”_

“I don’t know.”

 _“What do you mean, you_ don’t know?! _Leo, do you have any idea how hard this is on us? Xander and I can’t take off work to get her to practice. Not to mention how poor Elise is going to feel about this.”_

Leo flinched. Yeah, figured she’d throw that in his face.

 _“Do you know how much she enjoys spending time with you? I haven’t seen her this happy since Father died. Are you_ really _that selfish that you’d deprive your little sister of the one thing that makes her happy?”_

“Alright, I get it,” he snapped, “I’m a fucking bad person and I should feel bad. Are you happy now?”

_“Leo, that’s not what I—”_

“Whatever. You don’t get it. I didn’t expect you to.”

_“I— Leo, is there something else going on here? If you need to talk about it—”_

“I don’t and there’s not. Thanks bye.”

“Le—”

He sighed as he pressed the end call button before curling up into a pathetic ball of human filth. He was garbage. He felt like he was _worse_ than garbage— like a person who unironically wore shoes with defined toes. He covered his face. It was cool with him if he just rotted there. Forever.

Unfortunately, because he was sitting on a bench in a public building, he’d get a hefty bill for loitering if he did that.

He sighed as he got up from his moping spot and slogged off to the car. He wanted to be alone.

“Leo! You’re back!”

_Damn it._

He’d forgotten he’d gone out with Odin and Niles so as not to have to tell Camilla in person.

“Not now, guys,” he sighed as he opened the door and laid down in the back seat.

“Uh-oh,” Niles said as he looked from the driver’s seat into the rearview mirror. “Someone’s upsetti.”

“Niles I am not in the fucking mood.”

“Do you want to see me make Odin mad?” Niles turned to the man in the passenger seat. “Hey, Odin, I finally started watching your favorite anime.”

“Niles please,” Odin, who had been through this many times, began.

“What was it called again?”

“Niles.”

“Oh, yes!”

“Niles I swear to gods.”

“I remember.”

“Niles don’t do this.”

Niles leaned close and whispered, _“Boruto’s Dad.”_

“IT’S CALLED _NARUTO_ YOU ONE-EYED FECES MONGERING PIECE OF HUMAN REFUSE!!”

“Hahahahaha! Works every time, right, Leo?”

Leo sniffed. “That was a subpar jab at best.”

“Damn, something’s really gotten to him.”

“Is something amiss, Leo?”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you’re wearing tons of black eyeshadow and listening exclusively to Coldplay?”

“I— shut the fuck up.” Leo curled up into a ball. “Can’t we just go to a movie or go play lazer tag or some shit. I thought we were supposed to be nerds, not lameasses who sit in a car and talk about their feelings.”

“First of all, I am not a nerd,” Niles corrected him.

“Yeah, I’d say Niles is more of a joth,” Odin agreed.

“Second of all, damn, Leo, what’s got you down? You can talk to us.”

“No.” Leo covered his face. “I’m just a worthless, awful person living a worthless, awful life. I’m going to end up a drop-out who’s homeless and sucks dick for meth.”

“Leo, you’re being dramatic.”

“That’s cheap coming from Odin, but I agree. You’d make a terrible prostitute.”

“I don’t know if that’s a compliment or an insult and frankly I don’t want to ask.”

Niles shook his head. “You know what will make you feel better?”

“The sweet release of death?”

“Relatable.” Odin elbowed Niles. “I- I mean, no! Ice cream.”

Leo peeked out from between his fingers. “Ice cream might be acceptable.”

“See? There we go. Let’s head down to the Ice Tribe!”

 

The Ice Tribe was an ice cream place outside of Windmire. In Leo’s honest opinion, it was a place for children and bitch babies.

However, Leo currently felt like a bitch baby.

“Hi, welcome to the Ice Tribe!” Said the chipper woman behind the counter, whose nametag read _Felicia._

“Our little friend here is _sad,”_ Niles informed her, grabbing Leo’s shoulders to show him off. “Can you fix him up something to cheer him up?”

“Can do!” she said with a smile. “It’s alright, little boy. We’ll have you cheered up in no time!”

 _“I’m sixteen,”_ he wailed as Odin ushered him to a booth.

“Alright,” Niles began as Leo’s two friends sat across from him, “Let’s talk.”

Leo crossed his arms and looked away. “No. I don’t _wanna_.”

Odin slammed his fist on the table. “BY THE FIRST DRAGONS, THAT TONGUE OF YOURS WILL WAG, LEST—”

“Hey, Monty Python, cool it, those are marble-top tables and my dad just replaced them,” said the blue-haired waitress who otherwise looked identical to the first one.

“Wow, someone’s feeling spicy today,” Odin mumbled under his breathe.

“Hey, Odin, be nice to the lady.” Niles wiggled his eyebrows. “She’s kind of hot.”

“Oh my gods.”

“Smoking, one might say.”

“Niles.”

“Steaming.”

“Please.”

“Lit.”

“I thought we were here to cheer me up,” Leo complained.

“Oh, yeah. You exist.”

“Wow, thanks, Niles.”

His friends faced him again, staring down into the depths of his soul. Leo leaned back with his hands in the pockets of his black hoodie that he’d worn to compliment his deep depression, sinking farther down into his seat.

“So,” Niles said, reaching over and patting Leo’s soft blonde locks, “who has hurt Leo?”

“Society and all of its crushing expectations and the structured systems it has built that set up people like me to fail.”

“Are you okay, friend?” Odin asked.

“Odin I think we have very well established that I am not okay.”

“Oh yeah.”

Leo sighed, trying to look out the window before realizing he’d leaned too far back and was now staring at the wall but he’d committed to looking dramatic so it was too late to turn back now. “I’m not on good terms with my siblings right now.”

“No offense, _Leonard_ , but when are you ever on good terms with your siblings?” Niles asked.

“I get along with my siblings.”

“You’re always complaining about how Camilla treats you like a child.”

“She does! I love her, but I also hate her.”

“And don’t get me started on Corrin.”

Leo sat up. “Don’t mention that name in this house—”

“We’re not in your house.”

“Corrin is a god damn traitor.”

“Corrin beat you at Smash _one time!”_

 _“They picked Robin and all they did was spam Arcfire, my Bayonetta should’ve been able to—”_ Leo paused, slicking his hair back to compose himself. “Ahem. I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“And Xander?”

“I love and respect Xander.”

“Xander is a cryptid, Leo.”

Leo frowned. “All of that may be so, but… now it’s with Elise.”

“Oh, yeah. I haven’t seen you two hanging out lately. In fact, I noticed that Azura’s been driving her to practices,” Odin noted.

“I know. I’ve never fought with Elise before…”

“Weren’t you just saying that you hated Elise and that you were so angry that you had to cart her around to practices all the time that you were going to flush all of Camilla’s fancy perfumes down the toilet and flush it while Xander was taking a shower?”

“That was the teen angst talking. Besides, that was at least two weeks ago, that’s like a whole ‘nother timeline so it doesn’t exist in this one, ergo never.” Leo sighed, turning away. “But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you guys about this.”

“Relinquish your doubts unto us, dearest Leo,” Odin began, holding up his hands dramatically. “You’ve painstakingly kept all of your anxieties and fears hidden tidily beneath your layers of black clothing, eyeliner, and angsty teen façade, but deep down, you’re a deeply troubled, misunderstood youth, who wishes only to reveal his true feelings to the world. Reveal thineself, dear Leo, and— ooh, my milkshake!” Odin said as Felicia the Waitress handed him his drink. “Did you guys remember to put the extra chocolate in it?”

“Yep! We remembered the rainbow sprinkles too. You were VERY specific.”

“Yummy!” Odin said, beginning to sip happily as the waitress walked away. “What was I saying.”

Leo pulled his knees up to his chest. Maybe Odin was right. He DID want to reveal his true feelings. Disgusting. Feelings were gross and sticky, like the one subway seat you always inevitably get stuck with or the hands of a child that you don’t want to touch but you have to hold anyways because you have to pretend you’re a decent person.

“You guys are my best friends, right?” Leo asked.

“O’cors, Weo,” Odin said, his mouth full of chocolate-banana smoothie and rainbow sprinkle. “Wuz uh?”

“I did something stupid.”

“Did you forget to put The Socks™ in the separate wash so your sister doesn’t see them?” Niles asked, saying “™” out loud because of course he did.

“N-No.” _Shit._ “I told the soccer moms I would back off.”

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?” Odin gasped.

“Why?!” Niles moaned. “We were so close! So. _Close!”_

“I know, I know,” Leo said, putting his hands in his head, “but they threatened to ruin my life. Which like, I don’t give a shit about, because like, what life? But then I thought they might do that to Elise, and…”

Niles nodded. “So you’re trying to protect her by distancing yourself.”

“A VALIANT MOVE!” Odin declared. “The hero commits an act of self-sacrifice for his sister, the poor, innocent princess, who despite her love for her brother, cannot understand his actions, and thus feels betrayed by— okay wow I’m really not helping today, I’ll just go back to drinking the extra thick loaded chocolate banana.”

“Don’t call it that,” Leo ordered.

“ _Please_ call it that,” Niles begged.

Leo put his chin on the table. “So, yeah. That’s my life right now.”

“There, there, Leo,” Niles said. “If you want, we can get revenge after this.”

“I like revenge,” Leo murmured.

“Then it’s settled!” Niles stood, pointing to the door. “We leave immediately.”

“Two mega sundaes with extra cherries and whipped cream for a Leo and Niles!”

“We leave after we eat our mega sundaes with extra cherries and whipped cream! Oh, I got rainbow sprinkles on it just for you, Leo.”

“Fuck off, I’m a chocolate sprinkles man. They’re dark, like my soul.”

“They’re dark, like my coffee,” Odin chimed.

“They’re dark, like me,” Niles added.

“Niles.”

 

“Alright, Leo, we have to be cunning, tactical, and—”

“EAT YOLK, BITCHES!” Leo screamed, tossing a handful of eggs at that bitch Jessica’s house.

“Dude—”

“AN EXEMPLARARY SHOT, MY FRIEND!” Odin shouted as he tossed rolls of toilet paper in the trees.

“Do _either of you_ know the _meaning_ of _stealth?!”_ Niles hissed.

“Fuck that,” Leo said, hitting their window, the egg cracking against it with a _splat._ Their exterior walls now reeked of egg and broken Easter dreams.

“Oh shit, a light’s on. Let’s go!”

Niles and Leo nearly tripped over each other as they ran, Odin racing to join them as the sound of people yelling came from inside the house. Their getaway car was up the hill, one of Odin’s friends who worked with Leo’s brother.

“ _Guys,_ ” Laslow said, his eyes wide in fear, “I thought you were going to talk to them, _calmly!”_

“Shut up and drive, Laslow!” Odin yelled as they all piled in the backseat.

Laslow cried, _“I don’t want to go to jail! I’m too pretty for prison!”_

“Honey, you’re not even pretty enough to be a cheap backstreet hooker,” Niles said. “Now _drive!”_

Laslow blubbered as he slamed his foot on the gas pedal and they sped down the road.

“Gawds, Laslow, are you trying to give me whiplash?!” Selena screamed from the passenger seat. “I thought we were going to get mani-pedis!”

“Sorry, those were all lies,” Odin explained. “We need Selena’s egg-throwing skills for the next five houses and Laslow’s speed demon skills for getaway driving.”

_“I’m the getaway driver?!”_

“Is ‘Speed Demon’ Laslow’s hooker name?” Niles wondered aloud.

“You’d better have lots of eggs, because I’m pissed now,” Selena said. “You’re lucky I hate these soccer mom bitches.”

“I love your friends, Odin,” Leo said as they sped off to get revenge at fucking Brenda Carlisle’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Selena, Laslow, and Odin regularly get group mani-pedis this is canon


	8. His Mouth Tastes Like Purgatory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad faces a close call after egging that bitch Heather's house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, forgive me. I am in the middle of the next one though so it won't be too long :^)  
> (Note: anything that may or may not resemble shipping in this chapter is completely coincidental.)

“And _that_ is for selling me those _rank_ spinach brownies, Heather _Danforth_!” Selena whisper-screamed as she tossed an egg at the window of a pristine white house with a large, emerald-green lawn.

“Actually it’s Heather Henderson,” Leo corrected. “See, she kept her maiden name when she—

“Correct me again and the next thing thrown and splattered against that house is you.”

“…Point taken.”

“Heh heh,” Niles cackled as he and Odin went to town on the trees. “Fuck you, Mr. Danforth, may your life fall to pieces and your hairline recede.”

“Gods, your president must really be an asshole,” Selena scoffed.

“Oooohhhh, yes. I got the lowest ply toilet paper I could find so that when it rains it melts into the trees and turns into a disgusting mass of paper mush.”

“Tally ho!” Odin shouted, tossing a roll at the roof. “May both your crops and loins be barren!”

“They already have a kid, Odin.”

“And hopefully no more!”

“Gods I hope not. Their one Satan spawn is enough,” Leo groaned.

Selena held out an unfertilized chicken embryo. “Can I offer you an egg in this trying time?”

“Fuck yeah.” Leo took the egg and chucked it, yolk splattering all over the side of the house.

“Wow, kid, your aim is getting better.” She smirked. “Maybe those weak nerd arms _are_ useful for something.”

“Uh…” Leo rubbed his arms self-consciously. “ _Thanks?”_

“It’s a compliment,” Odin assured him. “Selena insults you in only the most loving of ways.”

“Shut up, geek.”

“I love you too, Sevvy.”

“I’ll actually kill you. And your dork friends too.”

“Oho,” Niles said. “I would welcome my death at your sweet, sweet hands.”

Selena’s cold gaze met Niles’s face. “Death is too good for you.”

Before anyone else could exchange words, the porch light came on. “Hello?”

“Oh, _shit,”_ Niles cursed.

“Is somebody out there?”

“ _Run_!” Odin shouted. The four of them turned and ran. They were a ways off of their college campus, at the president’s house, and Laslow was parked near the freshman dorms, sitting in his car, struggling with something.

“Laslow, _start the car!”_ Selena yelled.

“Hold on, my CD isn’t starting!” Laslow screeched as he fiddled with his car’s radio while the others slid into the vehicle.

“Who gives a _flying FUCK?!”_ Selena yelled as she jumped into the passenger seat.

“It’s my favorite Beyoncé album!”

“Are you _really_ willing to get caught for _Beyoncé?!”_

Laslow stared at Selena as if she had just slapped him. _“Yes! Absolutely!_ I would do it! Odin would do it! Niles would do it! If you wouldn’t you’re a _monster!”_

“He’s right,” Niles agreed.

“I’d do anything for Beyoncé,” Leo agreed.

Selena sank down in her seat, crossing her arms and mumbling, “Yeah that’s fair…”

“Oh, beans,” Odin said, “here comes campus police.”

“Shit,” Leo said, “if they see me here, they’ll know it was me who egged the bitch Heather’s house because I have a motive. I’m _doomed._ ”

“Wait, there’s a blanket back there my mom knitted, hide under it.”

Niles snickered as Odin pulled out a pink, woolen blanket and covered Leo with it, pushing him down into the space between the front and back seats.

 _“What?”_ Laslow demanded.

“Your mom knitted it for you?”

“Yes!” Laslow said in a loud, high-pitched voice, “I love my mom, Niles! Most people love their moms, Niles! EVERYONE LOVES MY MOM, NILES!”

“I bet I’d love your--”

“Shut up, the police are here,” Selena whisper-screamed.

“Oh, shit, everyone play it cool,” Laslow said.

Leo let one eye peer out of the blanket to see what was going on.

There was a knock from the driver’s side window, which Leo couldn’t see. Laslow rolled down the window, leaned out slightly, and said in a sweet, sing-songy voice, “Well, _hello there,_ officer! Can I help you?”

A manly voice answered, “What are you students out here so late for?”

“Ah, well! I’m the Feroxi exchange student, Inigo, otherwise known as Laslow, and these are my friends Owain and Severa. Ylissean exchange students.”

Odin waved. Selena put on sunglasses and leaned back in her seat, uncaring.

“And who’s that in the back seat. With the eyepatch.”

“Um,” Laslow said.

“That’s his boyfriend,” Selena said.

“U-Uh, y-yes! My. Boyfriend.”

“Oh, _yes,”_ Niles said in his “oh-yes” voice. He leaned over the backseat so that his face was right next to Laslow’s, lacing their hands together. “Lazzy and I were just out with our friends for another one of our passionately romantic nights.”

“Y-y-y- _yep,”_ Laslow stammered. “Totes. We were on a double d--”

 _“No,”_ Selena and Odin said at the same time, kicking his seat.

“OW! I mean, it’s our first anniversary?”

“You know it. We were out here a year ago today with our dear friends Owen and Sepheroth--”

“Nope.”

“Not even close.”

“--When I asked my darling Lazzy to be my beau.”

“Yep,” Laslow said, “and now we’re officially late, because Owain had to use the bathroom instead of holding it like a sensible person.”

 _“I have a weak bladder!_ The excretory system of darkness waits for NO ONE! _”_

“And then we got stopped by campus police,” Niles elaborated. “Nice going, officer. You ruined it.”

“I--”

“And to think, I was so excited to finally pop the question at the same place that we first were joined in sweet harmony.”

Laslow gasped dramatically. “Sweetie pie! You don’t mean--”

“Oh, honeybunch, I sure do.” Niles pulled a ring box out of his pocket and opened it, revealing a sparkling engagement ring. “Laslow Oliviason, will you marry me?”

“Oh my gods, _yes!”_ Laslow cried, throwing his arms around Niles as he slipped the ring on.

Odin wiped a tear from his eye. “This is such a touching moment! Where’s my camera?”

“You better make me best man,” Selena said.

“U-Um,” the officer stammered.

“You’ve made me the happiest man in the world,” Niles said as the two joined hands, staring longingly into each other's eyes.

“Niles,” Laslow said dreamily, “will you do me the honor of taking me home, treating me to a romantic candlelit dinner, and then bending me over a table and--”

“Ooooookay,” the officer began, “you two clearly have other things to do, so I’ll just--”

Before he could finish, Laslow and Niles pressed their mouths together and began to make out.

“Right, good night folks,” the officer said hurriedly. Leo heard the sound of loud footsteps and then the squeal of car tires.

“He’s gone, so you two can stop sucking face,” Selena said.

“Oh, thank gods,” Laslow said as he and Niles instantly jumped off of each other. “His mouth tastes like purgatory.”

“Somewhere between heaven and hell?”

“Yes, exactly that.”

“Niles, do you just carry around an engagement ring in your pocket?”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to Selena.”

“He carries it around so that he can fake propose to people in restaurants to get free food,” Odin informed them.

“Odin, you bitch, you’ve ruined me.”

“He’s a fucker,” Selena confirmed.

“Relatable, but for other reasons. Also, unrelated, but Laslow, are you ever going to return that ring?” Niles asked.

“Nope,” Laslow said, looking at the sparkling gemstone-inlaid band in the moonlight, “I’mma use this sucker to fish for likes on Instagram, bitch.”

“You beautiful attention whore,” Niles said, “why aren’t we actually engaged?”

“Hey, Leo,” Odin said, poking the mass of blanket that contained his friend, “you gonna come out now?”

“I have seen things I can never unsee,” Leo shuddered.

“Oh, get over it,” Niles said, “Laslow my be an eternal virgin, but you should see some of the things _I_ do when the lights go out.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know that I’ve had romantic, passionate sexual intercourse MANY A TIME!”

 _“Kill me,”_ Leo groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Laslow, the real Baby Driver


	9. A Pretty Good Day for World Domination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long-awaited presence makes their "appearance" (sorta-not-really)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a sweet chapter I assure you :^)

Leo smiled, waving goodbye to Odin, Niles, Selena, and Laslow as they drove off. It had been a good night of revenge-getting, and now it was time to lay low.

He was careful not to make too much noise as he opened the door. He crept through the halls, careful not to alert anyone in the house to his presence. He made it to the stairs and was feeling pretty damn good about himself when, like many things in his life, it was ruined.

“Ahem.”

Leo turned on his heel towards the living room. “Camilla, I know it’s midnight and I was supposed to be home hours ago but I swear to gods I can explain.”

But standing before him was not, in fact, Camilla.

Elise, decked out in her pink My Little Pony pajamas, crossed her arms, glancing away. “Hey.”

Her brother frowned. “Elise… you should be asleep.”

“Yeah, I know.” She sighed through her nose. “I’ve had a bad day.”

Normally, Leo would say something like,  _ “What, did another old news boy band break up á la One Direction”  _ or  _ “Did the amusement park finally place a ban on gremlins” _ , but he figured he’d been mean enough already.

“I had to walk to practice,” she said. “And all of the other girls weren’t very nice today. And I just read online that Claire’s declared bankruptcy.”

“Heh, heh… deCLAIREd.”

She narrowed her eyes.

“Sorry. I saw the opportunity and I took it.”

A small smile found its way to her face. “Yeah, it was pretty funny…” Her expression hardened. “But that still doesn’t change the fact that I’m mad at you.”

“…I know.”

Elise sighed. “Well, I need to go to bed. The big charity dance is tomorrow, and I can’t miss it. Everybody one the soccer team already hates me enough.”

Leo’s heart sank. “Listen, Elise.” He knelt down so that he could be closer to her height. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I made things worse for you and turned the soccer moms against you. And I’m sorry that your friends are mad at you because of me.”

His sister shook her head. “I’m not upset about any of that. The girls who are being mean to me just because their moms don’t like you aren’t my friends, they’re just my teammates. Friends wouldn’t do that. And you’re not even there anymore, so if this is how the treat me, that’s how they really feel about me. I’m not stupid, Leo; I know who my friends are.” She sighed. “I’m upset because I thought we were finally getting along, y’know? It’s been hard with all of my other older siblings gone all the time…” she rubbed her arms, looking away. “But having you spending more time with me lately has been really fun. I know you’re going through your ‘moody emo teen phase’, but I was actually enjoying spending time with you. I thought you felt the same.” She walked past him towards the stairs. “I guess not.”

Leo watched as his little sister walked dejectedly up the stairs. His chest felt tight, his shoulders sagging.

Was this…  _ regret? _

Ugh, it was  _ disgusting _ .

He stepped into the living room and sank into an armchair, covering his face. Well, now he felt like shit again. Maybe he should just tell Elise why he did it.

No, that would make him seem like he actually  _ cared  _ about people.

Except he actually  _ did _ .

Gods, he hated being a moody teen. Why couldn’t he figure out if he were a soulless husk with neither rhyme nor reason nor will to exist, or someone who actually cared way too much about literally everything and used nihilism and snark to mask his issues.

Well, now he had to do the rational thing…

Drown his sorrows in violent video games.

***

The next day, Leo felt like shit.

He’d stayed up all night without sleeping playing Dragon Age, and he felt really groggy, but at least he had finally successfully gotten all of the achievements after  _ so  _ much grinding. Sweet, sweet relief.

He stretched, exhaling. It was as if he had no problems in the world save for permanent damage to his eyes, thumbs, forefingers, and back.

Oh, wait.

He had lots of problems.

Not all of them to do with the aches and pains of video game benders.

Leo managed to get up and go downstairs, grumbling all the way. The only person who seemed to be around was Camilla, who was in the kitchen.

“Hey, sis,” Leo yawned, grabbing a box of cereal.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” she asked, crossing her arms disapprovingly.

“Um, I-don’t-care o’ clock?”

“It’s six pm, Leo.”

“Oh, damn,” he whistled, “I played video games for twelve whole hours? I was so close to beating my record…”

Camilla shook her head. “You’re unbelievable.”

“Uh, if you don’t believe that I stayed up all night playing Dragon Age 2 just to kiss Fenris’s beautiful face then  _ you’re  _ unbelievable.”

She scoffed as he opened the box of Lucky Charms he held and began to empty its contents down his throat rather than put them in a bowl and eat them with a spoon like, a sane person or something.

“Hey, where’s Elise?” he asked after emptying half the box into his gullet.

“She had a charity dance for soccer today,” Camilla said. “You might know that if--”

“Camilla, skip the shaming and just give me the details.”

She rolled her eyes. “She just left about an hour ago with a group of her friends. You just missed her.”

“Lit.” Leo shoved more cereal into his face.

“I understand that you had a fun time last night.”

“Yep. Laslow and Niles got engaged and made out. It was an interesting time.”

“I heard that. I liked Laslow’s picture on Instagram. But I  _ also  _ heard that all of the soccer moms’ houses were egged and toilet papered in the late of the night.”

“Oh dear,” Leo said, “what a tragedy. Alas, what a shame that it wasn’t me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Check Laslow’s Instagram photos, I’m in all of them. I’m going to be the ring bearer at the wedding. Ooh, Elise can be the flower girl. Odin’s going to be Niles’s best man and Selena will be Laslow’s best maid. Do you think Xander would be down to wed them?”

“Leo…”

“What? I’m just spinning ideas for Niles and Laslow’s tight nuptials.”

Camilla sighed. “Whatever. I’m going out. You can go do whatever it is angsty teenage boys do.”

“Mostly cry into the uncaring abyss about the futility of life on this gods-forsaken bitch of an earth.”

“Right… and on that note, I’m leaving.” Camilla turned and exited the kitchen, leaving Leo alone with his thoughts. A bad combination, really. Thus, he decided to do what angsty teenage boys  _ really  _ did… 

Raid the kitchen for junk food.

After successfully eating enough to feed his entire family and then some, Leo felt somewhat better about himself. He decided to get on his phone before finally retiring to go to bed.

His Instagram feed was the same old, same old; Odin was posting pictures of his latest LARP campaign, Niles was posting candids with weirdly sexual captions, and Laslow was showing off his fake engagement ring all over the place (and had successfully raked in the likes). Nothing really new.

That is, until he scrolled down enough to see a post made earlier by one of his classmates.

The picture was of the set-up for a dance, and judging by the sheer number of white women in yoga pants, it was the soccer charity dance Elise was now at.

Leo would’ve scrolled past, but something caught his attention.

“Daddy-daughter dance?” he mumbled, reading the tags. Strange. That meant Xander must be going with her.

He wondered how they were doing. He decided to call in just to check.

_ “Hello?” _

“Hey, Xander,” Leo said as his brother picked up the phone.

_ “Oh, Leo. Is something wrong?” _

“No, not really,” he replied, pulling his legs up onto the couch beside him. “I just wanted to check in to see how things were going.”

_ “Ah, everything’s fine. It’s sweet of you to worry, though. I know I haven’t been as… present… lately, but--” _

“It’s alright,” Leo assured him. “I understand. I know you’re busy with work.”

_ “Heh. You know, just a month ago, I don’t think you would have said that.” _

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

_ “Well, lately, you’ve been so intent upon keeping up this emo teenage persona. But I think spending time with Elise has softened you.” _

“Preposterous. I am a badass and no one can ever break down my walls.”

_ “Heh heh… sure.”  _ Xander chuckled from the other end.  _ “You know, Leo, I’m not sure why you stopped taking Elise to practice.” _

Ah… here it was. Xander was going to chew him out, like Camilla had.

_ “I know you have a reason, and I don’t know what that is, but… you and Elise are a dynamic duo. You’ve both been through a lot, and it’s always good to have a sibling who knows what you’re going through.” _

Leo pursed his lips. That wasn’t what he expected. 

_ “You should talk to Elise about whatever it is that you’re going through right now. I know that she’d understand and be happy to listen. And you should do the same for her. I’m sure you’d both be able to work it out together.” _

“Yeah. I know.”

_ “Good. You two need to stick together. But I’ve got to go now. It was nice of you to call me at work, though; sometimes it’s nice to hear a family member’s voice.” _

That’s when Leo began to get very worried.

“Wait… I thought you were with Elise?”

_ “What? No. Why would I be?” _

“Because… Xander, can I get back to you.”

_ “Um, sure?” _

“Great. Thanks.” Leo pressed then end call button on his phone, then dialed a different number. It took a moment, but she finally picked up.

_ “...Leo? What--” _

“Elise, what in the gods’ names are you doing?”

His little sister paused.  _ “Why? What do you care?” _

“Elise, get over yourself, this isn’t some high school drama movie where the entire conflicted is caused by miscommunication like High School Musical or those other stupid Disney Channel movies.”

She gasped.  _ “You watched those stupid Disney Channel movies?” _

“I mean, yeah? Don’t change the subject.”

_ “I’m just at the dance. You’d know that if you--” _

“Yeah, yeah, Camilla already tried that. Unsuccessfully, I might add.”

He could physically feel the huge frown that was on Elise’s face from the other end of the call.

“Yeah, I know, I’m a stinker and all that. Now, come on, Elise. What’s going on?”

_ “Nothing…” _

“Elise.”

There was a brief pause.

_ “...Leo, can you come pick me up? I don’t want to be here anymore.” _

“...Of course,” Leo said. He hung up on her and shoved his phone into his pocket.

It was time to crash a dance for twelve-year-olds.

It took a bit for Leo to find his keys and find an outfit that didn’t consist of a hoodie and skinny jeans, but eventually he made it to the dance.

Inside was populated by a bunch of preteen girls in pastel-colored dresses, as well as their dads in moderately fancy clothes at best (and business casual at worst). The whole area was done up in streamers and ribbons and bows in an absolutely gaudy show of just how cutesy and gross they could be. Leo could feel his essence physically draining from his body with each passing second. But still he had to pull through.

Eventually, after wading through a sea of annoying little girls, he found the most annoying and littlest of them all-- his little sister.

Elise was sitting in a folding chair near the punch bowl, her knees pulled up to her chest and her dressed draped over it. She was wearing a short, poofy black dress with lots of pink ribbons and a big, pink bow tying the back. It was strange seeing her all dressed up like a princess, but with the saddest, kicked-puppy dog expression on her face.

Leo made his way over to her. She didn’t say anything as he sat down next to her.

“Hey, Elise,” he said.

“...Hey, Leo,” she muttered.

“Enjoying the dance?”

“What do  _ you  _ think?”

Normally, Leo probably would have made fun of her, but he could tell that she was actually upset. He frowned, crossing his arms and looking down. “Camilla said you didn’t tell any of us that it was supposed to be a daddy-daughter dance.”

“I didn’t want any of you to worry or anything. And I didn’t want to bother Xander by asking him to take off work?”

“Why even come?”

“Because… well…” Elise sniffed. “It’s ’cause the other girls say that their moms think I’m a huge slacker. I don’t really participate in any of the other charity events; I just do it to spite them. Which, I mean… that’s kinda true. They suck. But for once, I just wanted to do something fun, where none of us were fighting.”

“Elise…”

“I’m sorry,” she said, wiping her eyes. “Can we just go? I don’t know why I even came… I don’t have a dad. Or a mom. Even if I did, I wouldn’t want to be here with either of  _ them.” _

“Oh, Elise...” Leo said.

Then, Leo did something that Leo never did.

He reached over and gave his little sister a hug.

Almost immediately, she stopped crying. Damn, did hugs really have this power? Maybe he should give them more often.

“Listen,” he sighed. “I know exactly what you’re going through. My mom wasn’t exactly cuddly with me either. And, well… you know what Dad was like.”

She sniffed. “Yeah…”

“But, hey. We’ve got each other, don’t we? And if we’re together, nothing can stop us. Not our enemies, not our shitty pasts, not even a group of bitchy soccer moms of whom none are named Karen.”

“You’re really hung up on this Karen thing, aren’t you?”

“You bet your pigtails I am.” He chucked. “But c’mon, Elise. If it were just the two us versus the world, I’d say our chances for world domination are pretty great.”

Elise wiped the tears from her eyes. “Well… it’s a pretty good day for world domination.”

“Heck yeah it is.” Leo stood up, and Elise followed suit, taking his hand. “Should we get out of here?” he asked.

His little sister looked out on the dance floor, at her teammates and friends (and frenemies) spun around with their dads (and moms, in Susan Michaelson’s daughter’s case).

“Y’know,” Elise said, leaning against him, “I may not have a dad, but… I have a pretty great big brother.”

“Yeah, Xander’s pretty great.”

“...Leo, I was talking about you.”

“Oh.” Then it hit him.  _ “Oh.” _

Elise frowned. “Are you crying?”

“NO,” he said too loudly. He looked away and covered his face with his free hand. “Don’t look at me.”

Elise laughed, and pretty soon, Leo was laughing too.

“Well, I might not be the best big brother,” Leo began, “and I’m definitely not a great dad so jot that down, but I think I can be a pretty great not-dad.”

His sister’s eyes widened. “You don’t mean—”

“Oh, but I do.” He motioned to the dance floor. “Elise Lily Krankenburg, may I have this dance?”

She giggled. “Sure, you big mook.”

He lifted his arm and spun her onto the dance floor, both laughing wildly. They got a lot of dirty looks from the girls and their dads and/or moms that were already there, but they didn’t care. Frankly, Leo couldn’t give two figs what any of those chucklefucks thought.

His little sister was happy. And that was all he cared about.

“Wow, Leo,” Elise said in the car as they drove away following their departure from the event, “I had no  _ idea  _ you could dance.”

“Yep. Your big bro can bust a rug when the times call for it.”

“‘Bust a rug’?”

“Yeah, it’s like ‘cut a rug’ and ‘bust a move’ all rolled into one. Try to keep up, Elise.”

She chuckled. “Well, I can’t argue with that.” She leaned back in her seat, closing her eyes. “Thanks for coming, Leo.”

“Don’t mention it.” He reached over and pinched her cheek. “I couldn’t just leave my little sis to rot in that dump. I’m an emo, not an anarchist. Besides, it was so poorly decorated it looked like twelve-year-olds did it.”

“Twelve-year-olds  _ did  _ do it, Leo.  _ I  _ was one of those twelve-year-olds, Leo.”

“My point still stands.”

Elise chuckled. “Hey, Leo?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for coming out tonight.”

“...You’re welcome.”

“And thanks for staying and dancing with me and making the night way more fun than it would’ve been.”

“You’re welcome for that too.”

“And thanks for almost getting us kicked out. I know it’s a weird sentiment but seeing you dump the punch bowl on Ashley P, Ashley E, Mikayla, and their dads was hilarious.”

“That was an accident and you will never refer to it as anything but.”

“And… thanks for being a good big brother.”

Leo paused. “You don’t need to thank me for that, Elise. It’s just what a brother does.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“You know when I threw that coin into a fountain and made a wish and you ruined it by saying that it had probably been in an exotic dancer’s panties?”

“Oh yeah, but don’t worry, I asked Laslow if he’d ever had people throw coins at his ass when he shook it in the nightclubs when he gets drunk, because let’s face it, it’s Laslow, and he stormed away without saying anything so I’ll take that as a no.”

“Yeah. Ruining the moment.”

“Gotcha.”

“You wanna know what I wished for?”

“Sure. Hit me.”

“I wished that I’d get to spend more time with you, because even though you don’t like to show it, you really are a good big brother.” She smirked. “And the best not-dad ever.”

Leo’s brain couldn’t process this. His little sister… thought he was…  _ cool.  _ That he was  _ awesome.  _ No one had ever thought that about him. Usually they thought of him as that skinny think (an intellectual twink to plebians) nerd who was too emo and bitchy to hang out with.

“What did you wish for?” Elise asked. “And don’t say ‘for Brenda Carmichael to eat hair’.”

He paused for a moment, blushing. “...To see that cute guy in my applied statistics class shirtless in the rain just like in my dreams.”

“Ewwww!  _ Leo!” _

Her brother laughed. “Sorry for being gross, but you did ask.”

“Remind me to never do that again.”

Leo smiled as she turned her atention to her smart phone. There was no way he’d be sappy enough to tell her what his  _ real  _ wish was.

“OH MY GOSH!” she suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs, causing Leo to nearly crash as he slammed on the brakes.

“What the FUCK, ELISE?!”

“Laslow got engaged! I GET TO LIVE MY LIFE-LONG DREAM OF BEING A FLOWER GIRL!”

“...I have bad news.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Bust a rug" comes from something I said at my senior prom two days ago :^P


	10. Debora Rants About Modest Mouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not a real chapter, but this is the best comment I've received on any fic ever, and I wanted to give it a proper reply

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy FUCK this is my favorite comment on anything ever. Why are you this petty, Debora?  
> Well it's a good thing I'm exactly this petty too  
> (This is not a real chapter, I just want everyone to read this comment. If you want to get back to the real fic, just press next chapter. But I assure you, you want to read this comment.)

Shortly after uploading Chapter 6, "There is No Karen", of Soccer Emblem, I received a complaint. A complaint on my friend's Fire Emblem Discord server, made by one Debora Fieri the Olivia Expert, regarding my comments on Modest Mouse, a band that I referred to as one that, and I quote, "no one has ever heard of". Clearly, I was wrong, as it prompted a nearly 4500 character comment on said chapter. I would like to share it with you all, and give my proper reply.

 

* * *

 

 

Debora says:

 

_"Ok, listen here James. You foolish foolish James. I thought we were friends, I thought you were a good person, turns out it's been nothing but lies and slander. How dare you make fun of my favourite barely-an-indie-band-anymore band. I was excited for this chapter release but not even halfway through it and I see you've chosen to personally attack me like I'm some sort of sheep ready to slaughter. I'll have you know that I was really enjoying this, this masterpiece you've crafted. The characters how they're handled was brilliant and yet you fuckin' shit on me like this. With your words you broke my legs and said stand, no, not said, commanded. In fact I will stand, despite my broken spirit and broken soul I will stand and prove you wrong by basically writing an essay in the comment box cause fuck you._

_Now, firstly I have no idea if the opinions expressed in sake of a joke are your own opinions or not but either way I plan on writing a good god damn essay._

_Now listen here, had you written this fic back in 90's you'd have a point, Modest Mouse started out in Washington and mainly played at house party and bars that would kick them out as soon as they were done cause they were underage at the time, but this is 2018, they've gone into releasing an album that shoved them into popular culture for a while before fading bad into indie categories. That album was Good News for People Who Love Bad News, it's hit single Float On reached number one on Modern Rock Tracks' chart and Ocean Breathes Salty reached number 6 on that same chart. The album itself reached 18 on Billboard Top 200, for a silly indie band from the Pacific Northwest I'd say that's certainly quite impressive if no one knew them. Now while that's the most well known album simply for the single Float On their next major LP, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank which not only as an album reached number 1 on two different charts, U.S. Billboard 200 and U.S. CMJ Radio 200. The main single Dashboard almost did as good as float on reaching only #2 on U.S. Modern Rock Tracks. Which as stated above would be an impressive feat if they were a band no one knew about. Now I know what you're thinking, 'holy shit Charlotte's gone insane or just got really, really petty' and you'd be right. This is incredibly petty of me and honestly I don't even care, Isaac Brock is a fucked man and that's ok, his band's from Washington but known for Portland which is trouble enough, like seriously Portland you're a cool place but Jesus you need to get your shit in order, like I swear every time I go to Portland I feel like I'm gonna get stabbed or I'm gonna get stoned. Also James, how fucking dare you make Leo gay, like I know it's just the norm now and I honestly don't even care but I still have about 1500 characters left so now I'm gonna rant about that cause I need to make this comment count. Leo is not only totally not a gay man but he's also a huge jocky Chad, I'd never see leo as anything else and Leon is a much nicer name, I've been told by my insiders you call Leo a Think, an intellectual twink, which honestly I can't even believe you, I thought you were an upstanding member of the fire emblem fan fiction community, but your work here has made me think otherwise, if you asked me I'd say you peaked as an author back with Viva New Vegas and seeing you try your very best to barely compete with such a Magnum Opis is foolish and saddening. I will give you credit, Niles verbally saying UWU is great, honestly the highlight, it made me very confused because while I love girls more than anything for the first time I thought Niles was the one for me, he was mine and mine alone. God damnit James your uwu Niles gave me a crisis of my feelings and that alone has made me livid, that and the modest mouse thing, and the gay Leo thing. Overall you've not only outdone yourself but also held yourself back and it's sad, it's disappointing. I just can't even look at you anymore, I'm appalled at your behavior and you've honestly taken things way too far, consider this friendship over and may you rest in a grave of Legos you evil woman._

_If you had to ask me to give this fic so far a rating out of ten I'd have to say:_

_'6/10 too much water'_  
_~Charlotte May Miller"_

 

(To rectify any confusion, "Charlotte May Miller" is Debora's name on AO3.)

 

* * *

 

 

I hereby reply:

 

 _"Hi Debora! James here. I have done a full reading and consideration of your complaints, and I have come to a consensus. I would like to apologize for offending you. I have realized that Modest Mouse is_  not, _in fact, a band that 'no one listens to'. I have learned that my friend Jason from high school listens to Modest Mouse, as well as his girlfriend, and even my own mother. Who knew!_

 _Thus I've learned that Modest Mouse isn't a band that no one listens to... it's just a fucking_  terrible _one._

 _Modest  Mouse is not good. I've listened to their bland hipster bullshit. You'd have to be extremely hipster, extremely white, or extremely from Oregon to listen to their music; all things I am not. But you are, Debora. You are very hipster, white, and from Oregon. You fuckers. You damn Oregonians. You can't even pump your own god damn gas right. What fools. You think you can test me? Huh? At least_ I  _know which way a gas nozzle goes. You fucking fool. You've done goofed. How dare you come into MY house and disrespect me like this, huh? Well you know what? Unlike you,_ I  _am not limited to 4500 characters, so buckle the FUCK up, DEBORA._

_First of all, DEBORA, how dare you. You've disrespected me. You've disrespected my readers. And worst of all, you've disrespected EVERYONE with a half-decent taste in music. You think you're hot shit just because one time you listened to Neutral Milk Hotel and thought to yourself, "Wow, I'm so different and meta!", huh DEBORA? Well you're NOT, DEBORA. You're NOT hot shit. You're NOT different and meta. You're NOT special. We've all listened to Neutral Milk Hotel one time, DEBORA. Only SOME of us made the right choice and didn't continue down the slippery, slippery slope of hipster garbage. You think you're so cool because you collect vinyl records? Huh? Well so does my GRANDMA. And my COUSIN. And ME. EVERYONE collects vinyl, DEBORA. It's not META anymore, it's MAINSTREAM. I bet you're one of those fuckers who wants to fuck her vinyls too. Huh, DEBORA? Do you want to fuck your vinyls, DEBORA?_

_And ANOTHER thing, how DARE you send me your fucking Wikipedia copy-pasted essay bullshit? You think you're the only one who can copy/paste Wikipedia gobbledygook? Well you're WRONG, bitch, because here's some copy-pasted Wikipedia hoo-hah on the bird with the best name ever: 'The American bushtit (Psaltriparus minimus) is the only species in the family Aegithalidae found in the New World, and the only member of the genus Psaltriparus. In North America, it is referred to simply as "bushtit".  The American bushtit inhabits mixed open woodlands, often containing oaks and a scrubby chaparral understory; it also inhabits parks and gardens. It is a year-round resident of the western United States and highland parts of Mexico, ranging from Vancouver through the Great Basin and the lowlands and foothills of California to southern Mexico and Guatemala. The American bushtit is one of the smallest passerines in North America, at 11 cm (4.3 in) in length and 5–6 g (0.18–0.21 oz) in weight. It is gray-brown overall, with a large head, a short neck, a long tail, and a short stubby bill. The male has dark eyes and the adult female, yellow. Coastal forms have a brown "cap" while those in the interior have brown "mask." The American bushtit is active and gregarious, foraging for small insects and spiders in mixed-species feeding flocks containing species such as chickadees and warblers, of 10 to over 40 individuals. Members of the group constantly make contact calls to each other that can be described as a short spit. This species produces an elaborate pendant nest of moss and lichen assembled with spider silk and lined with feathers. The "black-eared" bushtit was formerly considered a separate species (P. melanotis). It can be identified by its dark ear patch (the auricular). This polymorphism does not occur in the northern part of the American bushtits'_ _range, but is first noted near the Mexican border, primarily in Texas. Most individuals with the black ear patch in that area are juvenile males, and none are adult females – some have only one or two dark lines on the face instead of a complete patch. The black-eared form becomes more common southward in the northeastern (but not the northwestern) highlands of Mexico until from central Mexico south, all males have a complete black ear patch and even adult females have a black arc over the eye and usually a black line through the eye."_

 _See DEBORA? You send me some shit anyone with a computer and Internet access can look up with one Google search and think that changes anything? Just because they one some awards? Well guess WHAT, DEBORA? People consume garbage media all the time! You know who else made it on the charts? Fucking NICKELBACK, DEBORA. NICKELBACK has made in onto the charts several times, putting it far above your piddly_ Modest Mouse _. Does that make Nickelback good? Hell no! But does that make Nickelback better than Modest Mouse? Still no, but other things sure fucking do. Fucking NICKELBACK, DEBORA. Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards, you'll hear Satanic messages? You wanna know what's worse? When you play it forwards you hear fucking NICKELBACK. But you know what? At least no matter how you play a Nickelback song, you don't hear god damn MODEST MOUSE._

 _And I just_ love  _how you clarify_ 'if you had written this fic in the 90s' _. You know what, DEBORA? You know fucking what, DEBORA? I was a BABY in the 90s, DEBORA. I was a mewling BABE. Sure, I taught myself how to read and write when I was three, because I was some sort of legendary god baby, but I didn't do that until the 2000s. And I CERTAINLY didn't have the linguistic syntax or knowledge needed to write a fucking modern alternate universe soccer mom fic. And I didn't even discover Fire Emblem until I was ELEVEN, when I played the Sacred Stones. But do you see Ephraim or Eirika anywhere in this fic? Hell no, because the Sacred Stones sucks! It's only good when you first play it, it's terrible in retrospect and my only love for it is rooted in nostalgia and my love for the characters. The worldbuilding and characterization is lazy and shoddy af. And yes I did say 'af' just now. I'm black, Debora. We INVENTED the unironic 'af'. I can use it as much as I want. You? You CAN use it as much as you want, but not without earning yourself the label of 'basic and white'. Which fits the description of literally everyone I've met who listens to Modest Mouse. Yes, that includes my own mother. She's the most basic and white person I know. That sounds harsh, but it's true. She drinks Starbucks daily. She sunburns in 60° weather. She wears leggings as pants. I've even inherited some of her whiteness: I regularly get the urge to unironically dance to rap music, my favorite song is unironically Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up', I can't eat spicy food, and I consume mayonnaise BY ITSELF on a regular basis. But you know what? I still love my mother. She's one of the strongest women I've ever met. But do I love you? Why, of course I do... is what I'd say if I were a liar, DEBORA._

_And you know what ELSE didn't exist in the 90s? Fucking Archive of Our FUCKING Own, as I learned today when I read an article on the history of Star Wars fanfic. The site was created in 2008 by the Organization for Transformative Works and went into open beta in 2009. Does that SOUND anywhere near the nineties? Yes, since the 90s didn't end until 2007 culturally, but chronologically NO. No it does NOT, DEBORA!_

_Also, how DARE you insinuate that Leo is anything but a twinky gay male. He's not only a HUGE TWINK, but although he may not be gay in your silly little ~*"canon"*~, canon is fucking WRONG, and I am RIGHT, because James is ALWAYS right. Have you SEEN a picture of the man? He's so gay he can't even put on his clothes straight. He's such a twink that he's a fucking MAGE, DEBORA. He COULD lift a sword, SURE, but so can GAIUS, and we've already had the 'Gaius is a twink/twunk at best and NOT a hunk' discourse on the Discord (and if you come @ me saying Gaius is a hunk I will block you so don't tempt me bitch), and it need not be had again. And yes, I DO in fact call Leo a 'think' (intellectual twink) because it's the TRUTH, DEBORA. It's the god damn TRUTH. I spread ONLY the truth. And how DARE you insinuate that he is a jocky chad? He has NO muscle mass, DEBORA! Boi can't even walk on his own on the battlefield, he has to rely on his pony! And have you SEEN his son? Only a gay man could produce a child such as Forrest._

_Also, how dare you say that_ Viva New Vegas __is my best work. That fic is half of the first chapter that accidentally uploaded by itself before I could finish it and then I never got around to actually doing the rest of it and it is my eternal shame But it’s even more shameful for you for thinking it’s actually good. You fool. You fucking fool._ _

_And you know what? Niles verbally saying 'uwu' WAS the best thing ever. And that's the only thing you were right about, Debora. Not just in this comment. But in your entire life. You, my sweet Debora, are a worm. You're a worm, Debora. A lowly, wretched creature who writhes on the sidewalk, wasting their life away eating dirt. I don't care about Modest Mouse, Debora. My readers don't care about Modest Mouse, Debora. Leo and Elise don't care about Modest Mouse, Debora. The American bushtit doesn't care about Modest Mouse, Debora, and it certainly doesn't know what it is, which makes it luckier than some of us, Debora. And you know what. Niles doesn't care about Modest Mouse, Debora._

_Niles doesn't love you, Debora. And neither do I._

_Don't contact me here ever again, Debora. I know where you live. I know who you are. I know what you've done. If you ever try to test me again, I_ will  _find you, Debora. And I will_ not  _show you any mercy. That is a promise. I will hunt you down like an animal. Like the lowly worm you are. I will consign you to a worse fate than stepping on Legos™._

_You fool. You've really done it this time._

_The first strike is up._

_Don't test me again._

 

_Love,_

_James Peppersalt <3_

 

_ P.S. _

_ … _

_ …… _

_ ……… _

_ ……………Bitch. _

 

* * *

 

 

Thank you for reading Soccer Emblem! I hope you time spent reading this fic is well spent! :^)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Remember that all of this is for the sake of a joke, and Debora and I are friends who are just ribbing at each other.)


	11. Niles Commits Tax Fraud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Leo, you beautiful bitch you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while, ahahaha ^_^ I've had a bad case of writer's block bc I've stopped taking my pain medications and it's making me loopy, plus I just graduated last month, so I've been preparing for college. But it's w/e!

“Alright, Elise,” Leo said as he pulled into the parking lot of the Ice Tribe Ice Cream Parlor, “I’m going to get you ice cream, but you have to be cool.”

“Cool like—”

“If you say ‘cool like ice cream’ I’m going to scream.”

Elise cackled. “You’re going to CREAM! Like ice cream. Get it?”

“...That pun has unfortunate implications that I’m glad you don’t understand.”

As soon as Leo exited the car, the two loudest people on Earth began to scream at him.

“LEO!” Odin yelled, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

“Happy day of birth.”

“Happy anniversary of your existence!”

“Happy day of escaping one flesh cage only to find you’re trapped in another.”

Leo nodded at them. “Thank you, my dear friends, I’m so happy to be alive another year.”

They paused.

“...Leo, are you okay?”

“What? I can’t be happy to be alive?”

“It’s just…” Odin grimaced. “So unlike you to rejoice in the prospect of existence.”

“That’d be like if Odin said he was happy that Olde English was a dead language.”

“It’s MIDDLE ENGLISH, and it’s NOT!”

“Besides,” Niles said, “only lameasses don’t long for the prospect of the embrace of death. I, for one, live only for the day that my sorry existence ends. It’s like nihilism, but in my case it’s  _ Niles _ -ism.”

“Niles,” Leo began, with a dead look in his eyes, “I also live only for the day your existence ends.”

“I’m going to insert a clunky segue here so that Niles doesn’t tell any more puns,” Odin said, “but we’re so glad you finally showed up!”

“Yeah,” Niles said, “we found out we need you to get free ice cream for the Birthday Bash Special, and I’ve lied about my birthday one too many times.”

“Just one, Niles?”

“Five too many times.”

“Don’t we need two kids, though?” Odin asked, “Since it’s two free ice creams, and there’s three of us.”

“We absolutely do, but since Niles can’t do math—”

“It’s true.”

“—I brought a  _ second  _ minor.”

“Hi!” Elise shouted, jumping so that they could see her over the other side of the car.

“Hey!” Odin said, looking back and forth between the two siblings. “You two made amends, I presume?”

“What’s an ‘amends’?”

“It means we made up, Elise.”

“Ohhhh.”

“And yes, we did.” Leo crossed his arms as his little sister rounded the car. “Elise came crawling back to me, sobbing, and—”

“Leo bared his truest feelings to me in a moment of vulnerability,” Elise blabbed.

“ _ Elise!” _

“He gave me a hug, too.”

“That was supposed to be a  _ private moment that we shared!” _

“Also, he really knows how to bust a rug.”

Odin frowned. “‘Bust a rug’?”

“It’s like ‘cut a rug’ and ‘bust a nut’ all rolled into one,” Niles explained.

“That saying is cancelled, we can’t use it anymore,” Leo declared.

Niles chuckled to himself, crossing his arms. “And thus again I have ruined everything.”

“Yeah, like crushing my dreams,” Elise sighed.

“... You’re going to have to refresh my memory, I don’t think I remember doing that. It’s not even in the priority section of my ‘to ruin’ list.”

“Where is it on your list?!”

“It’s number forty-five, right after ‘Fuck Xander, ruin Leo’s life’.”

“First of all, I’ll kill you if you ever so much as try it. Second, she’s upset because you and Laslow are dirty liars.”

“Wh— oh! Yes, the fake engagement.” Niles chortled. “You know, as much as I love getting fake engaged to people, I might actually marry Laslow.”

“Really?!” Elise gasped.

“You’re kidding,” Leo said, deadpan.

“Are you serious?” Odin asked.

“Oh, you bet your beautiful Ylissean ass I’m serious.”

“My  _ what?!” _

“Just kidding. Ylissean men all have flat asses.”

“It’s true,” Leo concurred.

“HEY!”

“But I digress.”

“Excuse my French, but why the fuck would you marry fucking Laslow?”

“That was in English, Leo,” Elise pointed out.

Niles laughed, crossing his arms. “Well, it’s simple: tax deductions.”

“...You’re getting married to commit tax fraud.”

“No, that’s not tax fraud. You’re thinking of fraud to obtain citizenship, which could also be true since Laslow isn’t a Nohrian citizenship. Trust me, I’d know  _ all  _ about tax fraud.”

“What?”

“Are you realize surprised to learn that Niles commits tax fraud, Leo?” Odin asked, frowning.

“...You know what? No, Odin. I’m not. Continue with your story, Niles.”

“Thank you. The wedding is June tenth. Be there or be square. Elise, you can be the flower girl.”

Elise took this as her opportunity to scream at the top of her lungs.

“Gods  _ damn  _ it, Elise!” Leo groaned, holding his ears. “I told you to be cool!”

His little sister scoffed, puffing out her cheeks and putting her hands on her hips. “Hey!! I’ll have you know that I am VERY cool!”

“Please,” Leo scoffed, doing one of those lame poses that cocky bishounen anime boys do, “you wouldn’t know ‘cool’ if it hit you in the face.”

“At least if it did I’d know what cool feels like. Unlike some people.”

“ELISE!”

“She’s right, you know,” Niles said. “You’re like, the least cool person I know. And Odin sleeps with Yugioh bed sheets.”

“I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!”

“What? I didn’t even tell them about the dakimakura you have of Kakashi from Boruto’s Dad.”

“What’s a docky-mack-ura?” Elise wondered aloud, frowning.

_ “Nothing,”  _ Odin and Leo hissed at the same time.

“Niles, what is it?” Elise asked, knowing that he was exactly the one person who would definitely explain it to her.

“Well you see Elise, when a man loves a pillow very much—”

“LET’S GO GET ICE CREAM,” Odin screamed, ushering everyone inside.

“Hello, Kilma, you mythic bitch,” Niles said upon entering the building.

A large man with blue hair and pecs that went on for  _ days _ crossed his arms behind the counter, the waitresses Flora and Felicia standing behind him. “You! I thought I told you not to come back until you learned to be more family friendly?!”

“Ah, but this time, I BROUGHT a family!” Niles motioned to Leo and Elise, who waved.

“These are my siblings, Leo and Elise,” Niles lied. “It’s they’re birthday.”

“We’re twins,” Leo said.

“You’re twins,” Flora said, deadpan.

“Yep. You have no proof otherwise, anyways,” Niles cackled.

“If they’re your siblings, why are they white?”

Felicia gasped. “Oh my gods, Flora, you can’t just ask people why they’re white!”

Niles put a hand to his heart. “How  _ dare  _ you! Just because my siblings happen to be heavily melanin deficient, I have to face this tyranny? It’s not MY fault if they have the complexion of mayonnaise.”

“Fuck you, Niles,” Leo said.

“That’s not what I—”

“Flora, please,” Kilma sighed, “don’t encourage him. We don’t want another racism lawsuit on our hands.”

“But—”

“Please just give them the ice cream, Flora.”

Flora scoffed, rolling her eyes. “What would you like?”

“Same as always, my smouldering ice flower.”

“I’ll kill you.”

“Hot.”

 

“Free ice cream always tastes so much better,” Elise said.

“You said it, sister,” Niles agreed, giving Leo’s younger sister a fist-bump as they left the building.

“I just wish that the guy behind the counter would put a shirt on.”

“I don’t know, that looked like more of a titties-out look to me,” Niles said.

“I liked his outfit,” Odin commented, stroking his chin. “Do you think I could pull that off?”

“I don’t know. You’re a solid twunk in my opinion, so maybe?”

While Niles and Odin discussed whether or not Odin’s boobs were impressive enough to show off to the world, Elise tugged on Leo’s sleeve. “Leo, are you having a good birthday?”

Leo shrugged. “Yeah, it’s pretty great. I mean, Camilla made me breakfast, and Odin’s taking off work later tonight to spend time with me, so I can’t complain. Plus, we got ice cream, so that’s a win in my book.”

“So, it’s good?”

“Yeah, sure. Why?”

“Because it’s about to get worse,” Elise said, pointing towards the parking lot behind him.

Leo looked up, paused, and then shouted, “Mother _ FUCKER!” _

Before him was his formerly beautiful car, covered in an opaque, pearlescent film.

He’d been  _ soaped. _

“What kind of teenage mean girl bullshit is  _ this?!”  _ he screeched, pulling his own hair. “What the fuck? What the  _ fuck?!  _ My CAR!”

“Oh dang,” Niles whistled.

“Jesus fucking Christ on a goddamn stick,” Leo cried, “what kind of sick, twisted, sadistic, horror-movie-ass bastard would do something like this to me?!”

“Uh… I think I have an idea,” Elise said. Leo turned to her, and she held out her phone to him, which depicted a post on her Instagram feed from one Hayleigh Michaelson. His eyes widened at the sight of three preteen white girls putting their disgusting child hands all over his beautiful black sedan while a middle aged woman watched from the background laughing haughtily. He took in a deep breath, then read the caption out loud.

“Lol, XD, look at sign dis loser’s car emoji, so sad frowny face emoji frowny face emoji, at sign least we don’t without an apostrophe ride number two get ice cream emoji in garbage rofl happy-cry-face emoji, they’re but spelled t-h-e-i-r so lame upside down face emoji, upside down face emoji, upside down face emoji, hashtag lame af, hashtag that’s tea, tea emoji, okay hand emoji, one-hundred emoji.” Leo put the phone down. “Those  _ bitches.” _

Niles grimaced. “I hate when white people say ‘that’s tea’ to things that aren’t ‘tea’.”

“Not the point, Niles.”

“Listen, if they’re going to appropriate linguistic culture, they might as well do it  _ right.” _

Elise put a hand on Leo’s arm. “Leo, it’s okay.”

“I’m not angry, Elise,” Leo said. “I was  _ angry  _ when they were just being catty bitches. I was  _ angry  _ when they tried to blackmail me into not getting revenge, which is my favorite thing. No, no, I’m not  _ angry.  _ These assholes came for my little sister, they came for my  _ car,  _ and worse of all, they didn’t even fucking  _ bother  _ to teach their daughters the difference ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’. No, Elise. I’m fucking FURIOUS. These bitches are going DOWN,” Leo roared, throwing the phone into the bushes to punctuate his rage.

Elise shrieked, running after it. “Leo that was MY phone!”

“Sorry, I was caught in the moment.” Leo turned, putting his hands on his hips. “Y’know, this birthday isn’t good anymore. I get to plot revenge now… the greatest present of all. It’s a  _ great  _ birthday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took everything in me to not have someone say "Kilma's titties be poppin'."
> 
> Bonus points if you can find MY they're/there/their mistake :^)


End file.
